by Cheryl Richardson

I’m a big fan of talent shows like The Voice (my current favorite), American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance. I record the shows weekly (when each series airs) and I use them to motivate me to work out. I have a rule: I can watch a show as long as I’m moving on an exercise machine in our home gym.

I love these programs because I’m passionate about music, I love singing and dance, and I get so excited seeing people express their creativity and talent.  Don’t you just love that moment of magic when a performer seems to transcend time and space and become one with the audience and their art? Just think of Michael Jackson dancing in Thriller and you’ll know what I mean.

I also appreciate the fact that, more and more, these programs are showcasing the benefits of having a mentor or coach.  The feedback delivers clues as to what it takes to bring our best to the game.  The most common piece of advice is always the same: be yourself.  The mentors on The Voice, for example, are always suggesting that the singers relax into who they are so they’re better able to shine from the inside out without worrying about what others think.  Easier said than done, I know, especially when you’re in the vulnerable position of being on stage in front of judges!

The funny thing about being yourself is that you have to lose your self-consciousness — the habit of judging yourself — in order to do it.  You need to become so immersed in the moment and within yourself, that you begin to channel your pure creative spirit.  It’s in this empowered state that we’re able to not only do our best work, but also experience the blissful joy of creative expression.  As we link up with the Divinity in the present moment, we naturally connect with each other — the greater Oneness of all.  That’s when the fun begins.

Learning to be fully ourselves without concern for the reactions, judgments, or expectations of others is a life-long journey.  Regardless of how confident and self-possessed you are there will always be times in life when you feel vulnerable and afraid to be yourself.  That’s called living as a human being on planet earth.

The important thing to remember is that self-consciousness is about you – not other people.  I made the mistake of thinking that my awkwardness on stage, for instance, was about my fear of how others might judge me.  But, I learned that my self-consciousness was really my fear of judging myself once I got off stage.  This is such an important piece of wisdom to understand (thank you Debbie Ford).  I now have a blast on stage and, as a result, my audiences have fun learning, too.

The more you become your own best champion, supporter, cheerleader, and trusted confidant, the better able you’ll be to fully and joyfully express your blessed creativity.  That’s when your art becomes more and more successful in the world.

It begins with treating yourself with love, respect, kindness, and compassion.

If you’d like to lose your self-consciousness and empower your creative spirit, start by answering the following questions:

• What do you need to do (or stop doing), right now, to become a better friend and supporter of yourself?
• What do you need to stop saying to yourself?
• What kind of encouragement do you need?
• Who do you need to spend more time with?
• Who do you need to avoid?

The answers to these questions will get you started on the road to fuller self-expression in a way that feels good — really good.

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This week’s blog post comes from my dear friend Cheryl Richardson. You can find more from Cheryl on her website at www.cherylrichardson.com where she generously “provides you with practical tools, challenging ideas, resources, and helpful information that will support you in living a life that honors your soul.”

Nearly every day I talk to women who want to be more adventuresome in their wardrobe choices, but they are afraid. As a result they find themselves buying the same things over and over because they feel easy, familiar and safe. But, their satisfaction is fleeting when they look in the mirror and see the same old look day in and day out.

What is the basis of their fear? Even if there are multiple reasons, one of the ones I hear the most often is the fear of looking silly and feeling embarrassed about how they look.

What causes this fear?

There can be many underlying reasons that they stay stuck, but there are three that stand out. See if you identify with any of these:

1. Are you afraid to make a mistake?
2. Are you afraid to step out of your comfort zone because you like it and you doubt you will find anything else you like as much?
3. Do you rely heavily on approval from others?

1. Fear of Making a Mistake

When I was in high school I was very insecure and worried a lot about how I appeared to others. As a result, I would go to any length to avoid making a mistake. In this instance I am talking about French class.

I was very proficient at reading French. I actually read Marcel Proust’s “Le Rouge et le Noir.” Trust me. That’s not easy in English never mind French. But where I really missed out was when it came to speaking French in class. I was extremely shy and very concerned that the other students would laugh at me. I didn’t like to speak unless I was sure I would do it perfectly, with all the grammar in place and a flawless accent. Now, really…how much chance was there of that? Pretty much none. I was so worried that I would do it wrong that I didn’t do it at all unless I had to.

My teacher was not to blame. In fact, I had an amazing teacher–one of my favorite teachers of all times–which made it even more sad that I didn’t take advantage of all she had to offer. In her classroom I had a safe place to practice and make mistakes so I could continually improve my conversational skills as well as refine my accent. In my case, being unwilling to risk making a mistake in front of others kept me limited in learning to express myself in a foreign language. Who knows how much more I could have learned or how much more quickly I would have increased my comfort level with my French speaking ability if I had just experimented more under her expert tutelage. Not to mention that any mistake I would have made would have been minor in the scheme of things—perhaps a mispronunciation, a wrong verb tense or misuse of a word. In other words, nothing earthshattering was going to happen if I made a mistake.

It’s the same with your wardrobe. When you venture into uncharted territory you might put an odd color combination together or wear a style that isn’t truly you just because you want to branch out and see how it feels. No harm done. It’s not like you are exposing things you shouldn’t or wearing every trend on the planet all at once. And, the beauty of it is that along the way you will find things you love and things you don’t. A “mistake” here or there is part of the experience in refining your look.

2. Fear of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone

I see this limitation expressed often in my clients’ closets, and Catherine is a perfect example. She and I had shopped together for many years. She was in her glory in the 1980’s when earring styles were big and covered a lot of the earlobe. She loved them! Of course, like everything else in the fashion world, eventually the earring trend went to the opposite extreme, and everyone wore small earrings. Everyone except Catherine, that is. I’m all for self-expression and had no problem with her continuing to wear larger earrings. The problem was that we couldn’t find them anywhere! It was hard for her to imagine wearing anything else (even though other styles looked equally good on her) and so she spent much of the next ten years feeling frustrated because her idea of perfection didn’t match what was available.

I know how scary it can feel to step outside your comfort zone, and I’m the first to admit that not everything will work, that’s for sure. But, when you get stuck seeing yourself just one way it prevents you from seeing new possibilities that could make you equally as happy.

3. Fear Others Will Not Approve (and the belief that they know better)

When Alison came to our first appointment she was wearing an elegantly ruffled blouse with a deep navy pencil skirt, a sapphire pendant necklace and platform pumps. Everything fit her perfectly and she looked beautiful. So why was she here? It took less than a minute of conversation before it was very clear. Someone else had dressed her. Because she felt unsure as to what looked good on her or what she felt in her heart of hearts would make her happy, she relied on her best friend and a fashion savvy sales woman to create a wardrobe for her. As a result, she looked lovely but felt out of sorts.

The way she liked to dress was in clothes that moved and felt a little bohemian and bordering on edgy. Rather than straightening her hair she loved to wear it curly but so many people had warned her that it was too unruly that she acquiesced and overrode her own style preferences. She did this because she didn’t feel secure enough in her own choices to create a wardrobe she truly loved. So she wore clothes that looked perfect on the outside and smiled as she received countless compliments. But, the satisfaction was fleeting because it didn’t reflect who she was on the inside. She had created a false sense of perfection and now felt trapped. She was afraid her friend would not approve, and she’d feel pressured into maintaining her current look. She needed a boost of confidence and guidance to find her own unique style and let go of seeking constant approval from others.

Is fear keeping you stuck in a style rut? Do you want to branch out, but you have tried to do it on your own in the past and never felt confident in your choices? I know the feeling. I could never have learned how (or goodness only knows how long it would have taken me) to speak French or create a wardrobe I love on my own. Yes, it’s true! Years ago (you can read more about my story on my website), I spent a lot of time and money making tons of mistakes. I was grappling with two of the scenarios described above. I was afraid to make a mistake (but made plenty in the process of trying to find my style) and I tried to fit in with whatever group of friends I was with. This got exhausting and never truly represented who I was. Not to mention that sometimes I knew a look didn’t work but I couldn’t figure out by myself what would have looked better! Thankfully, I found someone who could guide me in making choices that truly reflected my inner essence. It was a life changing experience and one that stays with me to this day—some 26 years later.

Can you have the same transformation? Absolutely! Every day I see how much the women on the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ forum, which is part of the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ coaching program, are growing in their abilities to put together a wardrobe and look they love. It is inspiring and gratifying to watch and support. Carla, who uses the forum regularly with great results, says:

You can have the same experience as Carla. Join the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ coaching program and begin exploring more possibilities right away…this time with guidance and support. As you practice what you learn there, your confidence will grow, and you will become more fluent in how to create a look you love. Sure there’s a risk you will make a mistake, but you will make fewer mistakes–notice I didn’t say they would go away completely–and learn something new each time you put together an outfit or shop for clothes. And, if you feel stumped as to why something doesn’t work, just jump on the forum and ask. I, and the other women in the community, will help you. The more you practice and learn about yourself the more success you will have and the greater your chances of creating a truly ideal wardrobe!

If you feel that you could benefit from expert guidance, here’s you chance to learn more about joining the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ community. Click here for more information. And, if you want the added experience of working with me in-person, learn more here about the ‘Your Style, Your Way’ workshop coming up on April 6. You will have the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ program to support your workshop experience before and after. It’s the best of both worlds!

There I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror with wet hair, a round brush in one hand and my hair dryer in the other. Click…I turned the dryer on and nothing happened. No worries. I bent down and pushed the reset button and confidently flipped the switch and, you guessed it, there was silence in place of the usual deafening whir of the hairdryer. “Okay,” I told myself, “There has to be an explanation.” I tried pushing the reset button on the outlet as well as the dryer and even plugged it into another outlet just in case the first one was bad. Mild panic was setting in but I remained hopeful. I tried again and again, but still nothing.

All I could think was: You’re going to stop working now! I have a very busy day planned starting with a quick trip to the post office to mail some client orders and then off for a day of shopping with a client. Why couldn’t you stop working tomorrow when I’ll be in my office all day. I’m sure you can imagine my dismay (that’s putting it mildly) when I realized I had no way of styling my hair. Not only that but my hair takes a very long time to dry and there was no way it would be dry enough to throw some hot rollers in it before I had to leave.

Years ago I would have stressed myself out, worried about what others would think and said things like, “Oh, great! Is this the way my day is going to go?” My hair has always, in my opinion, needed extra attention and, while, to most people, this might not seem like a catastrophic event, it brought back memories from, dare I say it, thirty-eight years ago!

It was my first day at Mount Holyoke College and I was meeting the other women in my dorm. I strolled into one woman’s room to introduce myself and we started talking about what we had to do the next day. I learned that we had a swimming test (do they even still do that?) and, here’s the tricky part, we had to go right from the pool to another orientation event. There was not time to do anything other than get dressed and go.

I looked at this poor woman with horror. What do you mean? I can’t dry my hair before we go? She looked at me like I was a crazy person and, I’m sure she thought that if everyone at Mount Holyoke was worrying about her hair, she had clearly chosen the wrong school. I have to add that she had beautiful curly hair that she could let air dry and it always looked great. I, on the other hand, had thick straight (with a slight bend) hair that laid there like a mop if I didn’t do something with it. (Just in case you’re wondering, despite our initial conversation, we are still friends nearly forty years later!)

I spent the next 24 hours worrying about my hair. Everything must have worked out all right or perhaps it was traumatic enough that I pushed the experience from my memory, but I honestly do not remember what happened. I do know that I survived and that worrying did absolutely nothing to help the situation.

Did I deal with the experience differently this time? Oh, yes! I spent a few minutes reviewing my options and looking to see what other handy hair styling tools I had around the house—it turned out none worth mentioning. And, no, cancelling was not an option since my client had traveled 4,500 miles to shop with me and how would I explain that…oh, gee, my hair looks messy so I can’t make it? I don’t think so!

Instead, I decided to channel my “exquisite” energy (that’s the word I use when creating an outfit or deciding what clothes to buy). One of the things I talk with women about all the time is that others pick up on your energy. Yes, how you look makes a difference and you want to feel great about how you present yourself, but if your energy doesn’t match the look you’ve created, others will feel that and pick up on your mismatched energy. I did not want to walk around all day feeling disgruntled or embarrassed about how I looked and pass that energy on to others.

For instance, having my hair look messy was frustrating to me. I had no time to buy a new hair dryer before I left for the day, so I did the best I could with a heated brush. Beyond that I had to let my hair do what it wanted to do. I could have let the rest of my look follow suit and give up on trying to feel good about my image, but would that have made me happy and been a good representation of who I am? No. I also could have dressed in the outfit I had chosen before the hair dryer incident but apologized to everyone I saw or tried to hide or become invisible hoping no one would notice me because my hair looked terrible. This would just make others feel confused, distracted or uncomfortable because my visual message (which was well put together despite my hair fiasco) did not match my energy (which would not be well composed if I felt self-conscious).

What did I do? I promptly dismissed both of the above options and chose instead to dress in an outfit I love and pretend I purposely styled my hair a little differently. (And, I inwardly thanked my hairstylist for giving me such a good haircut.) I deliberately chose not to let one frustrating experience color my day or my interaction with everyone I saw. If anyone noticed my hair they didn’t say anything or give me any funny looks. I suspect (or at least choose to believe) it was a non-issue for them because I made it a non-issue.

I channeled my inner beauty even when everything wasn’t falling together perfectly on the outside. You can do the same thing. Your personal inner beauty can directly influence the energy you express in your wardrobe choices, and it is exactly why I work closely with my clients to determine their four descriptive inner beauty words. Once you feel confident in that energy, if something goes awry, it is relatively easy to do the best you can to fix it in the moment and then let the problem go. You can also learn from the experience. In my case, I bought a new hair dryer and a travel dryer to have on hand just in case.

If, on the other hand, wardrobe malfunctions are a daily occurrence for you or you never feel like your outfit adequately reflects who you are, then that’s a different issue. My malfunction only lasted one day. I expect that it would be so much more exhausting if you had to deal day in and day out with mismatched energy and the frustration that comes with not being able to create a look that feels like you or that reflects your inner beauty to those around you.

Take a minute to consider your own personal style. Is there generally a connection between how you feel inside and the look you create on the outside? If this connection is temporarily broken can you regain your momentum easily? If not, why not? What would you need to do differently to make this happen?

Use these questions to reflect inwardly and gain insight into the source of the disconnect (whether sporadic or regular). Then determine if there is one small inner or outer change you can make right now to inspire you and begin restoring this connection. Your solution, like mine, might be as easy as getting a new hair dryer. Or it might require more inner reflection to determine if your wardrobe is purposefully and effectively expressing who you are. Whether your insights are big or small this exercise will lead you to new areas of awareness in your personal style, and that’s a great way to begin a new year!

I had carefully planned my wardrobe for a recent trip to New York City where I was going to be spending an entire day shopping with a client. I’m not a light packer, and I don’t apologize for that. I always bring something extra just in case my mood changes, the weather doesn’t cooperate or I spill something. Thankfully, this trip was no exception but what happened made me more aware of the importance of giving your clothes a “dress” rehearsal.

I was leisurely getting ready in my hotel room on the morning of the shopping trip. I put on my brown pants and a jacket. My makeup was on, and I was fully accessorized. The only thing left to do was finishing packing and put on my shoes. And, then it struck me. The shoes I had brought did not have a high enough heel for the pants I planned to wear with the outfit. Sure enough, when I put my shoes on, the hem dragged on the ground – not a particularly elegant look and certainly not good for the pants.

I was so upset with myself. Thankfully, I was not completely stuck. I was able to wear the pants I had on the day before. They were the perfect color and the heel height was right. I just wasn’t as happy with the combination since the pants weren’t quite as elegant as the pair I had planned on wearing (although I’m probably the only one who noticed that). I took a breath, made peace with the outfit and vowed to rehearse my outfits more carefully the next time. It’s one thing to find that out in the privacy of your own home where changing is easier, but this was a new pair of pants, and I had not put it through the rehearsal process long enough to be sure what shoes would work best with them.

But, there’s a bigger lesson here. Fashion magazines are full of great ideas but it’s not until you translate those ideas directly to your body that you know whether it’s a hit or a miss. Something can look just perfect and inviting when you lay it out on the bed or see it hanging on the mannequin in the store, but it’s another thing to actually put it on your body and see how it all works in real life.

Recently, while doing a wardrobe consultation with Diane I mentioned my dress rehearsal concept. She told me that she does a “staging” with her clothes. She chooses her outfit ahead of time and then hangs it altogether on her closet door. She reviews it several times to see if she likes it before she decides to wear it. This certainly sets the stage for a fun outfit but, she agreed, it isn’t until she actually puts it on that she knows for sure whether it really works or not. My point exactly.

We are not one-size-fits-all or one-dimensional, and we do not have mannequin bodies. It’s easy to assume that the outfit will look just as good on us as it does laying the bed or on a mannequin, but it’s those assumptions that contribute to our frustration when they don’t. Your own private dress rehearsal will solve this problem.

Amy told me of a similar experience she had had. She found out she was to be the recipient of an award from her company, and it was to be presented to her at a special dinner. It’s no surprise that she wanted her outfit to be special. She found a dress she liked. It was sleeveless so she bought a pretty cardigan to go over it in exactly the right color. Her shoes, jewelry and handbag completed the outfit. She had been staring at the combination for 2 weeks with anticipation, and finally the day of the event arrived.

She got dressed and realized that not only did the sweater make the neckline bunch up funny but when she tried to walk more than 10 feet in her shoes her heels would slip, and she nearly fell out of them. They had been fine while she was standing looking in the mirror and moving ever so slightly but as soon as she walked any distance, yikes, she walked right of them. All she could think of was why hadn’t she done a full dress rehearsal before. What had she been thinking!

She ended up pinning the neckline to the sweater, and it turned out the room was warm so (phew!) she didn’t need the extra layer most of the time. She found some gel pads to stick in the front of her shoes so she could walk up on stage to receive her award. Unfortunately, the shoes made her feet hurt but at least she wasn’t leaving them 4 steps behind her when she walked. She had averted disaster and supreme frustration but her experience was not as fun and elegant as she had planned for it to be.

The moral of the story is that even if you’ve worn each piece separately before – even many times – it’s important to see if the new combination you’re considering really works. Your memory can do funny things, and it’s easy to forget that something was particularly clingy or only looked good with a skinny pant. The proposed outfit might look attractive hanging on the closet door lulling you into a false sense of security. Until you put it on. That’s the real test. Yes, you might feel like you have better things to do (a.k.a., things you’d rather do) than try your clothes on ahead of time. But, I promise that if you do this you’ll be so happy you did. No more last minute frantic clothing changes complete with cursing, tears and threats of not going anywhere. You’ll breath a sigh of relief as you get dressed with ease. And, if a practiced outfit doesn’t work during a dress rehearsal not only do you have a chance to tweak it with less stress.

A director would never go directly from selecting the cast and staging the space to opening night, and it’s not advisable to do that with your wardrobe either. A dress rehearsal is an invaluable step in your journey (whether it’s done in your home or at the store if you purchase everything at the same time) to creating a wardrobe you love with ease and joy. A few extra minutes of practice can save you frustration and anxiety as the curtain goes up, and the next day there will be glowing reviews all around!

The long, cold, colorless winter is upon us here in the northeast, and once the holidays are over we’ll settle in for several months of dreariness (can you tell I just love the winter!). Being cold is not one of my favorite things and yet finding warm, cozy clothes and accessories that are also fun and stylish can be a wee bit of a challenge, to say the least…especially once January comes around and the stores start to think about spring!

So, I scour the stores and internet looking for things to bring light and joy to any woman’s wardrobe, and I am, of course, more than happy to share my special finds.

Here are 5 items that I feel are pretty, refreshing or just downright adorable for you or as a holiday gift…

Warmth & Style All In One! I don’t wear many turtlenecks these days (a softening jawline and all that…) so I’ve taken to adding beautiful scarves to my wardrobe. There are lots of them out there but this one just caught my eye because the color is stunning and will look good on many women. (Coral scarf featured at right. Click here for shopping info) and this one looks cozy and again the burgundy color will look good on many women (Burgundy scarf featured at right. Click here for shopping info).

Give Your ‘Functional’ Accessories a Lift! Add some cheer to your outfit with a handbag in a gorgeous color. In addition to being pretty to look at (coming in red, green, black and silver), practical and timeless, it is also vegan and cruelty-free (Click here for shopping info).

And, as an extra bonus you can use the coupon code ‘Ginger’ through the end of the year and receive $200 discount on any handbag in their collection. I have a Jill Milan bag, and it’s totally elegant.

Big, Bold & Beautiful! Cocktail rings are all the rage right now, and they are fabulous! I have to admit it is one accessory I don’t wear (most look way too oversized on me), but if I did, this is one that I think is elegant, and unusual (Click here for shopping info).

Those of you who have been shopping with me at Jewelry by Karel know how much pizzazz a cocktail ring can add to an outfit, and she has a great selection at great prices. Whether you spend a little (you can find very fun, inexpensive ones on www.etsy.com) or a lot is up to you. It’s a fun way to add a little razzle-dazzle to your holidays.

Pretty PJ’s! I am constantly on the prowl for pretty, feminine, cozy sleepwear. So much of it out there is either dowdy, purely functional or skimpy (for me that means too short) and I’d freeze! I found a fun selection at Soma (Click here for shopping info).

Soothing Comfort All Winter! Historically, winter is a time to hibernate a bit, reflect and relax (yeah, right, you say!). Well, any little bit helps, for sure. That’s why I created this delicious essential oil blend of lavender, geranium and ylang ylang.

Use it as a massage oil or countless other ways (I include a list of suggestions for how to use it with each purchase). (Click here for shopping info).

Yes, the winter is long, but please don’t become just another body dressed in gray or black trudging through the winter months…biding your time until spring. Bring light, joy and delight to your wardrobe now! These are just a few ways to do that.

Feel free to share any juicy, sparkly, fun items you’ve found during your holiday shopping sprees. Let’s help each other celebrate beauty throughout the next few months.

We are a society that is obsessed with being young. Our culture revolves around it. The media glorifies it. And, our mirrors reflect it (or not!). And, with each passing day, it seems we become more and more aware of whether we are meeting or falling short of these arbitrary standards.

Whether you are fast approaching 30 or about to cross the 65-year mark doesn’t really matter. The issues change only slightly but the focus is the same – how to maintain a youthful appearance and healthy, energetic attitude. It’s a constant source of conversation among women as we compare notes and recognize body parts that are changing before our eyes. On the surface it’s a good thing. Staying youthful and enjoying life is good. But, the problem arises when we spend an inordinate amount of time assessing how we measure up or trying to hide or ignore the fact that we are getting older.

Hardly a week goes by that I do not have a regular conversation with friends and clients on this topic. Conventional society reveres youth, and the wisdom and natural beauty that come with aging are rarely given the respect they deserve (especially for women). In most of these conversations, the discussion usually comes down to how do you age gracefully. Does it mean accepting without reservation all that comes with getting older? Do you have to buy into the growing market of cosmetic surgeries and additional “beauty” treatments in order to look in the mirror and feel youthful? If not, how do you compete (and by that I mean feel comfortable with who you are) when the standard of youthful aging is constantly been raised?

We have all seen celebrities who have taken their quest for youth to an extreme with a seemingly endless series of cosmetic surgeries that result in a taut, pursed, unnatural look. Some women have gone to the other extreme and relinquish all effort to feel good about how they look because they feel like it’s a losing battle.

Wrinkles, sagging skin, shifting weight and gray hair make us aware of time passing and are seen as unfortunate by-products of getting older. And, guess what! Whether we embrace it or dread it, no amount of lotions, potions, praying, exercise, good genes or plastic surgery can keep it at bay forever. So, for those of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how do we make choices that make us happy? And, most importantly, how do you make peace with the aging process without losing yourself completely as in the extremes above?

Getting Perspective:

When you think back to when you were a child or teenager, what were the older women in your family like? I remember a friend’s mother putting cold cream on her face at night because that was the only “anti-aging” product available. One of my aunts, who looked exactly like the Queen of England for as long as I can remember, wore no makeup, let her hair go gray and adjusted her dress size as her weight shifted. She offered no apologies and had seemingly little or no angst associated with it. Few older women dyed their hair (at least in my town), no one whitened their teeth (was that even invented then?) and if someone had plastic surgery it was very hush-hush and you could barely tell. To be honest, I don’t remember anyone having had it done in my town.

I can’t say all of these women eagerly embraced the aging experience but they certainly were not grasping at youth, and there was no encouragement to do so that I know of. Maybe it was easier then or maybe not. Perhaps they felt discouraged or resigned to wrinkles and sagging skin, but there was not the pressure to do something about it.

Actually, in all my wondering I decided to call my mom and ask her if my memory served me well. She didn’t hesitate a second before sharing that, “In my 30’s and 40’s I didn’t go around with a group that worried about whether our chins sagged. We didn’t talk about getting older. We were a happy group and content with ourselves.”

What a gift! While I’m sure women today can be happy with themselves they are still bucking the current of pressure to address every line and age spot that appears, and the standards are certainly different today than they were 30 or 40 years ago. When you see celebrities who are 60 or 70 looking 40 or 50 (or at least trying to) it’s hard not to consider how we, personally, measure up.

My mom added that, “We weren’t comparing ourselves to each other or to movie stars. It’s not that we didn’t care how we looked. We were all about fashion and loved getting dressed up (we’d each buy 2 dresses before going to a party because we weren’t sure which one we wanted to wear) and loved having our hair done. But, we didn’t notice wrinkles even when they came, and we didn’t feel old. There wasn’t the pressure there is today to have everything fixed.”

As we talked I found myself wishing that we could turn back the clock. These days it seems we have to make a conscious decision to be okay with how we look rather than have it just be a non-issue. And, it would be nice to have the playing field leveled again. Right now, there’s an unattainable standard of beauty for women over age 50 (and often much younger) that bears no resemblance to how we age naturally. So, even if you’ve taken good care of yourself all of your life you cannot compete with women who are having multiple treatments done. So, what do you do?

If you take my mom’s advice, she’ll tell you to “go with the flow and you’ll have fewer worries and won’t wrinkle so fast.” There’s definitely truth to that statement. But, what do you do when you’re already worried and wondering how to keep up?

Tips for Embracing the Aging Process

Since we can’t turn back the clock to a time when there was less focus on not aging, and we can’t erase the awareness from our consciousness, here are a few tips I use to keep me feeling good most of the time.

1. Don’t worry…be happy – Okay, so it sounds silly but I’ve watched friends age before my eyes when they’ve been under an inordinate amount of stress. Stress causes blood flow to your skin to be restricted, it makes you frown more and it can cause inflammation. None of this makes you feel beautiful or relaxed. And, over time, these internal stress responses will have long-term negative impact on your skin and your entire body. Regular meditation, exercise, fun distractions or positive affirmations can all contribute to a happier feeling and positive energy. Yes, it takes effort and focus to move away from stressful situations but the results are worth it in the end on many levels.
2. Focus on your health – Take it from someone who knows. When you don’t feel well you don’t feel happy or beautiful. Protect your health. Eat well, avoid toxins, exercise, sleep and play. While it’s not always easy to do these things, the effects of uncontrolled stress, are not fun or pretty.
3. Banish your magnifying mirrors – I understand that sometimes they are necessary for applying eye makeup but if so, stick to that and then put them away. Don’t spend time examining and critiquing your face through a 5- or 10-magnitude mirror. Yikes! Everyone on the planet can find something to obsess about in one of those. And, while we’re on the topic of mirrors, try to avoid mirrors that have overhead lighting. They make everyone look tired and old.
4. Always wear your best colors – This one probably should be first! In fact, during my conversation with my mom and without any prompting from me, she told a story about a friend who is now in her mid-80’s. Every time she sees this woman she is dressed nicely and is wearing beautiful colors that make her glow. This is true at any age and even more important as we get older. Sure, you might have to hold out a bit to find your best colors in the stores, but it’s worth the wait to look radiant and beautiful all of your life. (And, your colors do not stay the same throughout your life. If it has been more than 10 years since you’ve had a color analysis done (or your hair color has changed), it’s time to do it again.)
5. Smile – This is my new way of coping. I don’t see the lines around my lips or the softening of my jaw when I smile so I take every opportunity to do so. See…I made you smile!
6. Do what makes you feel good – If you look in the mirror and all you can see is dark spots on your face or lines around your lips and it’s that all-consuming, find out what your options are to soften those concerns. There’s no right or wrong way to address your experience with aging. When it comes to making choices about feeling youthful, only you can decide for yourself.

So, take a good look in the mirror and what do you see? Look past the lines, spots or gray hairs (if they bother you) and identify what it means to be the age you are. Perhaps make a list of what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Start by focusing more on what you feel good about. Then, choose one thing that is pestering you about getting older, and find out what you can do to ease that discomfort. Maybe a good first step is to whiten your teeth, get a new haircut or buy a top in a gorgeous color instead of black. If plastic surgery or a non-invasive skin treatment is the answer, then get a referral from a trusted source, and check it out. Or, the next time you have tea with friends encourage them to talk about what they love about themselves rather than what is making them feel old. Lighten the energy and help each other see how beautiful you are at whatever age you are now. We thrive on this kind of connection and need to create our own support network when the media and society ignore or harass us. Don’t buy into their youth-crazed messages.

Will there still be days when we wish we had firm knees again, a tiny waist or our natural colored hair? Sure. But even if it means lengthening your dresses a bit or buying a top that skims your waist instead of accentuating it or finding out what colors make your gray or colored hair look amazing, you can look and feel great now. This is your personal journey. It is worth it to find out how to make peace with aging gracefully so you can enjoy every step along the way!

Be honest. Do you look in your closet and think, “Wow…I really need clothes. I have nothing to wear!” You stand there in dismay trying to figure out what to do next and then, you hear it — the voices that bombard you with a list of excuses as to why you can’t or won’t get new clothes any time soon. So, you nod your head, shut the door and go about your day. Until the next day, when you repeat the same scenario.

Admit it. There’s a sense of relief when you hear the reasons why you can’t go shopping. You don’t really want to do it anyway and having what feels like a valid excuse lets you stop worrying about it…at least for the moment. Instead you resign yourself to the daily stress of getting dressed and the familiar sense of longing for clothes that make you happy. You figure that some day the timing will be right but not now.

It’s no wonder you don’t love shopping for clothes. You spend time you don’t have wandering around the stores that feel too big and leave with things you don’t love but that will suffice. After all that, you go home worn out. No feeling of excitement or anticipation of having new things to wear. You’re just glad it’s over.

Phew! It’s completely understandable why you wouldn’t want to repeat that experience anytime soon!

What’s your favorite excuse? Do you tell yourself you’ll shop when:

• You have more time
• You have more money
• The stores have better choices
• You lose weight

At the time reasons feel legitimate. The problem is that they are open-ended – you can go on forever like that. If you dislike shopping or you don’t feel like you deserve a good wardrobe, then there’s always something else that will come along to take up your time and money.

So, what’s the answer?

“You must become a priority on your to-do list. And somehow it has to become a more enticing and rewarding experience or it is easy to keep putting it off.

What’s behind each of these excuses? Fear.

• Fear that you’ll waste time and come home with nothing worthwhile to show for it.
• Fear that you’ll waste money on things you’ll never wear. (Often this piggy backs an overriding belief that you have to spend a lot of money in order to have a great wardrobe (you don’t!))
• Fear that you’ll discover they don’t make clothes anymore that look good on you.
• Fear that you’ll buy new clothes and then lose weight and have to buy more new clothes, or
• Fear that you’ll buy clothes for your current (undesirable) weight and then you’ll feel complacent and not lose the weight you want to lose.

It’s not surprising that you’d rather stay with what’s familiar even if it’s uncomfortable than take a step that stirs up a whole bunch of new feelings that support your deepest fears.

So, now what? How do you get out of your rut and make this a happy experience rather than one that makes you feel even worse than your current limiting wardrobe?

Let’s address some of your underlying fears and then identify steps you can take to move in the direction you want to. Your past experiences are valid which is why you are reading this and looking for guidance. You want to move forward. This also says that you are willing to make some changes and take a step even if it feels uncomfortable or a bit scary.

• Time: If you’d rather have a root canal than go clothes shopping you’ll never set aside the time to do it until you’re in pain, i.e., you don’t have anything left to wear or you need something for an event and you must shop. Shopping when you are desperate is never a good use of your time and can severely deplete your energy. Nine times out of ten it just reinforces the fear (sometimes all of them!) and makes you even more reticent to shop again before you have to, setting you up for a vicious cycle of shopping only when you’re desperate.
• Money: Let me dispel this fear right up front. Sure, it would be wonderful to have an unlimited clothing budget, but to be honest, very few women have that luxury. In fact, it’s important to know what your budget is (no matter how big or small) so you spend it wisely. Nor do you have to shop at the ritziest stores in order to have a great wardrobe. You can find great clothes at any price point. I have things in my closet that I’ve found at thrift stores, consignment stores, off-price stores, department stores and boutiques. You name it, I’ve found clothes there. If you know how to make good choices then you can shop anywhere (I know. I know. This is why you haven’t been shopping – because you don’t know how to make good choices — but we’ll get to that).

One thing I need to point out is that bargain shopping sometimes takes more time and energy because thrift stores, consignment stores and off-price stores are often more hit or miss, and you have to filter through more racks than department stores or a boutique that you know carry lines of clothing that work for you. But, when you know what you’re looking for it gets easier and quicker either to find things or leave empty handed but satisfied you didn’t buy something just to buy something.

• Better Choices: Wouldn’t it would feel so much easier if fashion would just stay the same for a while? Maybe, maybe not. The reality is that styles change, trends change, and your body changes…sometimes even your lifestyle changes, so your wardrobe is constantly evolving (whether you want it to or not!). There are always new choices to be made and understanding how to make them for your body, lifestyle and personality is key.
• Weight: This is by far the #1 reason women don’t shop when they need to. Whether your body has shifted due to having children, going through menopause, health-related issues, or just getting older, its easy to mourn the days when it used to feel easier to get dressed (if that ever was true for you – for some women it was never easy and they just get worn out as the years go by), or, you just feel frustrated by the fact that you have a closet full of clothes that fit you at a different weight, and you can’t wear any of them now.

Whatever your weight is, you deserve to feel good right now. If your weight has changed, it doesn’t mean you have to go spend tons of money or buy massive amounts of clothes at your current weight if you are expecting it to change again. But you do need to have clothes you feel good in now. Focus on basic colors and garments you can mix and match to leverage your purchases and then add accessories to bring in personality. This will serve you much better than berating yourself for gaining weight or putting pressure on yourself to lose the weight. Good self-care and kindness to yourself will ease the experience and help you achieve your goal with less angst.

All of your reasons for not shopping are valid, but the good news is that they don’t have to keep you stuck forever.

• Set aside some time. If you’re used to dashing in to Kohls 20 minutes before you have to pick the kids up at school, then you’re setting yourself up for stress and frustration. Schedule in at least 90 minutes to shop. Put it in your calendar or you’ll never do it. No matter what your schedule is you can find it somewhere if you really want to even if you schedule it a month out.
• Shop with a plan. Have a list of priorities with you. Maybe you need new jeans and a winter coat. Or, a dress for a special occasion and a fun clutch. Even if your wardrobe needs a total overhaul do not go in as a blank slate with an open-ended list. You’ll be overwhelmed in a matter of seconds.
• Always look for your best colors first. Scan the racks, see what colors (your most flattering colors, of course) call out to you and start there. It immediately limits the number of options you have and makes it easier and quicker to shop. If you’re looking for a dress, for instance, in your shades of green, teal or purple and all you see is gray and orange, then you’re done. On to the next item on your list or to the next store. Don’t try to make something work just because you’re there. That’s how wardrobes get out of control!
• Be willing to try on new styles. Sure, some garments will make you roll your eyes and wonder what genius designer thought “that” look was a good idea, but there are always new options hiding on the racks just waiting for you to try them on. And, do not leave the store without trying things on – unless you really will return everything that doesn’t work before their return policy expires (I’ve seen too many closets full of clothes with tags on them), and even then I don’t recommend it. You’re less likely to take something that’s new and different (and potentially won’t work) home than you would be to bring it into the dressing room and leave it behind if it’s not right.
• Be willing to use a tailor. So many women have said to me, I’m petite so I shouldn’t have to hem petite pants. My response…why not? A petite woman can be 4’11” or 5’4”. I’ve even shopped with women who are taller and have long torsos in comparison to their legs and petite pants fit them well. That’s a wide range and no way you can expect one length to cover everyone. And, that’s just pants. Other alterations often need to be done so allow for this cost when you buy something or else don’t buy it (and in that case you can expect your choices to be considerably limited). This is true for everyone, not just petite women. Find a great tailor and you open up a whole new world of options.
• Complete the outfit as much as possible in the dressing room. You’ve heard me say this before, and I’m happy to say it again and again. You can’t try on a pretty dress with clunky sneakers and socks on. Most likely (I know this is true for me), you’ll feel dumpy and you’ll dislike the dress immediately without giving it a fair assessment. In this case, if you’re shopping for a dress, bring a pair of shoes with you that you’d wear with it just so you can get an idea of what it would look like finished (at the very least, take off your socks!). If you are trying on a pair of skinny jeans (and women of all sizes and shapes can wear them so don’t think they are just for tall, thin women), you’ll want to have a jacket or sweater that covers your butt and maybe even a pair of tall boots to get the full effect. It’s too easy to dismiss something when you can’t see the final look.
• Ask for help. If the next several months pass and you still haven’t gone shopping, you might need a jumpstart. Many of my clients shop with me two or three times a year so they can get it done as efficiently and productively (and with as much fun) as possible. They know they don’t like to shop by themselves or it takes too long or they make too many mistakes so having support makes it all a thousand times easier and then they don’t have to think about it again until the next time we shop. There is no embarrassment in needing help. In fact, it’s a sign of strength and honoring yourself (believe me, I’ve done it in other areas of my life and am thankful I have). Not everyone loves the experience of shopping but everyone deserves the experience of looking great every day!

So, what are you waiting for? Please don’t just turn the page and say yeah, yeah, I’ll get to it soon. Make a commitment now. Get out your calendar and schedule a time to shop. Start making a list of what you need – just 1-3 things. Start visualizing the experience being fun and easy and stick to the date. Make that commitment to yourself and your personal self-care. Each step you take is one more step towards having a wardrobe you love. Do it now!

One night, as I was sitting in a hotel room in New York City I suddenly had a startling thought, “I think I forgot to renew my driver’s license!” I jumped off the bed and ran to my wallet and sure enough, it had expired 3 weeks earlier. It had totally slipped my mind! Of course, there wasn’t anything I could do at the time. It would have to wait until Monday, but being a law-abiding citizen and someone who prides herself on remembering details and dates, I was very upset and disconcerted. Now I had to go through an entire weekend with an expired license.

At first my mind went to the inconvenience and seemingly certain unpleasantness of it all. We all have stories to tell of long, endless lines at the Registry of Motor Vehicles and rude staff. Although I chose to think positively about it and was picturing a smooth resolution to this, you can imagine how I felt when I arrived at the registry 10 minutes before they opened only to find 100 (yes, 100!) people in line ahead of me. I had momentary visions of being there all day.

That was not to be the case. Dare I say it? The registry in Revere, Massachusetts is amazing. They are organized, efficient, and (yup!) friendly. They moved everyone along easily, didn’t yell at or penalize me for being late, and I was out of there in less than 40 minutes!

All of that aside, often one of the things we dread the most about renewing our license is having our picture taken. It’s not like you will have another opportunity in a few months to redo it if you don’t like it. You’re stuck with it for 5 years! So, five years ago and again last month I practiced my system for taking a pretty good picture for my license (for example, here’s my old picture).

Let me share a few tips for getting a license picture you like:

1. Prepare. Sure, you’re only going to the RMV to wait in line but you’ll be staring at the results of that experience for the next 5 years.

• Wear your best color and a flattering neckline (sometimes this will show and sometimes it won’t – as you can see from my two pictures)
• Wear great jewelry, especially earrings (a necklace will not always show in the picture but earrings will)
• If you wear makeup add a touch more since the flash will wash you out a bit.
• Make sure you spend a few extra minutes styling your hair. Sure, this might not be the photo you’ll put on your mantel or your website but it’s still a photo shoot of sorts.

2. Keep a positive attitude. Okay, so this seems a tad new agey for the simple task of taking a license picture but I’m a big believer that your final experience will take its cue from the energy of your expectations (I help women with this all the time when we go shopping!). Allow for the possibility that your new picture will be fabulous and you’ll have fun doing it (normally I wouldn’t say that about the RMV but my experience was good and you can have that, too!). If you’re feeling stressed it will show in your picture so enjoy it as much as you can.

3. Start smiling before you get in front of the camera. This is the most important one of all! They snap it pretty quickly so the minute they say – go stand over there, start smiling – with your eyes and your mouth.

4. Keep your neck elongated. I would recommend practicing this one in private first so it doesn’t seem so weird when you get there. This one might seem funny but if you tuck your chin back, it will give you double chins that will be noticeable in the picture. Instead (and this is good information for picture taking in general), if you bring your shoulders down and back and feel like your neck is nice and long (but don’t lift your chin unnaturally) you’ll see the difference. Another way of putting it is to feel like you are leaning in towards the camera. Okay, if this all feels too weird and contrived, skip it!

5. Wash, rinse and repeat. Ask to see the photo and if you don’t like it ask the attendant if s/he can take another one (they will). Sometimes just the thought that you can do it again helps you relax so the first picture comes out better. Or, it at least lets you get the bugs out for the second take.

Tada! My newest picture is the bottom picture at the right (trust me, if I went without following any of the tips above, this picture would look completely different):

As one client said, “The tips you gave me for having my driver’s license picture taken helped tremendously: start smiling as soon as you sit down (you’re right, they take that photo with very little notice), keep your neck elongated, and wear a great color. I’m going to print these out and save them for five years from now when I have to do it again!”

Of all the suggestions above, the most important is to smile! How many times have you seen someone’s driver’s license and they are grimacing or look super stressed out. An authentic smile goes a long way to softening everything and will help you smile the next time you pull out your license.

If all else fails you can ask them to keep your previous picture (if you like it) but you can only do this once every 9 years. I asked the woman if we could take the picture and if I didn’t like it could we keep the old one? She said, “Yes, but if you keep the old one you won’t be able to renew your license online in 5 years so I recommend taking a new one now.” Good advice! (If I had realized I could renew online I probably wouldn’t have forgotten in the first place!)

So, does this all seem over-the-top? Maybe. But what I like is that with a few minutes preparation I can have a picture I pretty much like for the next few years. If this seems silly, simply ignore it. I just like to share what I learn and hope it’s helpful to you, too!

What’s standing (or should I say hanging) between you and a great wardrobe? Believe it or not, it’s not lack of time, a limited budget or the fact that you would rather have a root canal than go shopping. Rather, it’s…drumroll please…all those lonely, neglected, despised or forgotten garments that have taken up permanent residence in your closet.

You may remember from “10 Reasons You Have Too Many Clothes,” why many women suffer from an overstuffed closet. The question now is what can you do about it? How do you know when to keep something or let it go? One thing is for sure: If you cannot clearly evaluate and honestly understand why a garment doesn’t work for you, you’ll keep hanging on to it hoping that someday you’ll find a reason or need to wear it. But (and this is really important), you will not miss it if you feel absolutely clear about why it won’t ever work for you. Not to mention that this gives you super valuable information for your next shopping trip.

So many women say to me, “But, it’s in good condition. I barely wore it.” Or, “I paid a lot of money for it so I have to find a way to wear it.” They are convinced that those are reasons enough to keep it. They are not. Everyone has a different idea of what is too much or too little, and how much you paid for something does not influence whether it looks good on your or not. Of course, the more you understand about what works in your wardrobe, the less likely you will be to waste money (of any amount) on things you don’t wear. The ultimate goal, with every garment, is to wear it so much that the price per wear becomes negligible…no matter what the original cost.

If you spent a lot of money on something that doesn’t suit you, now is the time to cut your losses, learn from the experience and allow something fabulous to come into your closet that you do wear a lot (and, let’s not forget this part…that you enjoy wearing). Once you understand why it doesn’t work the chance of you repeating that kind of expensive mistake again drops dramatically.

I totally understand that your closet might not change without some serious intervention, so let’s get started!

Let me say, first of all, that if your closet is overflowing with unworn clothes, you’ll want to take this one baby step at a time or you won’t do it. You know that’s true because you haven’t done it yet, right? The job feels daunting, not even a little bit fun and just downright overwhelming. On most days, you try to get in and out of your closet as quickly as possible as possible so you don’t have to acknowledge the situation. But, with this newfound information, you’ll see the results right away.

I’m going to walk you through the steps to empower you to move an item out with grace and ease when it’s clear it is no longer serving you. Ready, set, go!

1. Take one item that you’re not wearing out of your closet, put the item on (yes, put it on!) and ask yourself these questions:

• Does the color look great (not okay, decent or good enough, but great!) on you?
• Does it fit you right now?
• Is it in good condition or are you willing to do any necessary repairs (this includes de-wrinkling, a.k.a., ironing!)?
• Does it have fond memories or at least no disturbing memories attached to it? (Please note that fond memories alone are not enough reason to keep it (at least not in your every day closet). If it has fond memories and it’s a great color, fits you, etc. then keep going. Otherwise, move it to another closet and admire it and enjoy the memories there.)
• Does it work with your current lifestyle needs? So many times I’ve seen women keep clothes from their corporate days many years after they’ve needed them…just in case. If it has been more than a year, move them out.
• Is it comfortable? If not, and the cause of discomfort cannot be remedied, it goes away.
• Do you love it? This actually should be the first question but there’s a lot to consider here so keep reading.

That was step number 1. If you can say a resounding (not pitiful whimper) yes to ALL of these questions, you may move to round 2. If you said no to any of them, it goes in the go away pile (and we’ll talk about that more in a minute).

For all of you who just did that exercise without putting the garment on and chose to put the item back in your closet even though you haven’t worn it in eons (you know who you are!), take it out and ask yourself this:

• Can you make a complete outfit with it? If not, ask yourself these questions:
• How long have you had it? (If it’s more than 2 years since you’ve worn it, it automatically goes in the “go away” pile.)
• Did it used to have another piece that went with it? This happens often. You buy a pretty print skirt, for example, and the top to go with it and then the top gets a hole or a stain and you have to discard it. This leaves you with half of an old outfit and no way to complete it. Chances are 10 to 1 you never will. (Again, if you’ve had it for more than 2 years, it automatically goes in the “go away” pile.)
• If you are still reluctant to let it go, you absolutely must put it on. Believe me, your mind can play funny tricks on you and if it has fond memories associated with the garment you’ll feel compelled to keep it…until you see it on. At least 85% of the time, it turns out the garment is not as fabulous as you remember (and that’s not to say it wasn’t fabulous at some point but it had its day and this isn’t it). Perhaps it fits your body differently (or maybe not at all). It might feel “old” – like it came from a different era. And, often times you discover it has a stain, a tear or some defect that makes it less likely that you can still wear it. This is all invaluable information that you often won’t get without having the garment on your body.

Why go through all of this? Because it’s a thousand times easier to give something to charity, take it to a consignment shop or discard it if you know it will never work for you. There’s a freedom that comes with that awareness and once your closet is cleared of all the unworn and unwearable clothes, your mind and heart will feel lighter.

If you put something in the go away pile and you’re experiencing heart palpitations worrying that you’ll miss it, relax. There is an interim step that will give you some ease. Simply pack the items away in an empty closet or plastic bins in the attic. Most importantly, get them out of your every day closet. That way, if you decide you miss it you know exactly where it is. I can easily predict that 99-100% of the time you won’t miss something for even one second.

As you can see from all of this, if things just sit in your closet, you need to find out why before you take the next step to create a wardrobe you love. If after asking yourself all these questions you are still unsure about some pieces then it is time to get some objective, preferably expert, assistance. Sometimes you are just too close to the situation to be objective yourself or you just need some expert validation that you are making the right decision for the right reasons, and with a little support and guidance it all becomes crystal clear.

So, keep going. You’ll gain momentum the more you are able to understand what’s working and what’s not. In fact, make this a regular exercise so you don’t end up every year or two with a closet full of unworn clothes. Assess your situation on a regular basis and you’ll be getting dressed with joy and ease every day. Ahhh, can you just feel the relief!

Not too long ago I was attending a social event and was introduced to two lovely women who arrived together. We struck up a conversation about (what else!) fashion, and at one point one of the women turned to her friend and said, “I wish I had your body.” Without missing a beat, the other woman rolled her eyes and replied, “Oh, please!” and then launched into a litany of why no one else would ever want her body. Meanwhile, I’m standing there thinking how attractive and bright both of these women are.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Have you witnessed it or been an active part of it many times over the years? We are often unaware of the damage these statements or experiences have on our psyche, our self-esteem, and our ability to create a wardrobe we love. It seems that throughout our lifetime we are trained to quietly (and often using humor to offset the sadness and meanspiritedness (although rarely is this purposeful)) belittle ourselves, and, as a result, women have cornered the market on self-deprecating remarks.

This is not a good thing. As Louise Hay will tell you, language is a powerful thing. “Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives.” Think about it…

Have you ever had someone compliment you on your hair and say, “Oh, wow…it’s driving me crazy today. It never seems to do what I want it to and the humidity just makes it …” Or, someone admires your sweater and you say, “Thanks. I wish I didn’t have to wear it. I’m so hot but my arms are so flabby that I don’t feel comfortable exposing them.”

How about instead that you just say, “Thank you! You made my day!” Then, inwardly take a deep breath and maybe take it one step further. You don’t have to say anything else out loud. Instead think to yourself, “Wow, how fabulous that my hair looks good on such a day. That’s great news since my hair appointment is still a week away.” Find a way to make it feel good. You don’t have to lie and say to yourself (or anyone else) that you are lucky to have the most amazing hair in the world (unless you honestly believe that and then that’s awesome). Otherwise, as my mother frequently says, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”

What are you saying to yourself about your body that keeps you stuck in a rut? Be careful about shrugging it off as good-natured kidding or insignificant conversation. These comments are much more damaging to your psyche than you might know.

Here’s a little exercise to do today: Watch your language.

• When someone compliments you, do you explain that it’s a fluke or look at them like they are nutty?
• Do you regularly commiserate with other women about self-perceived body flaws?
• Do you look in the mirror and focus immediately on the parts of your body you are unhappy with?

The good news is that this is a habit you can change immediately. While you will probably slip from time to time the more you notice what you say the easier it is to change it:

• Awareness is the first step to positive change. The next time you receive a compliment (no matter how misdirected you might think it is), say thank you and smile (and pretend, if you have to, to yourself like you knew it all along). Not only that but you’ll be modeling healthy behavior to other women. What a gift!
• No more gripe sessions with your friends. Tell them you are on a new path to self-acceptance and invite them to come along. Challenge them to say something lovely about themselves – get them started by offering them a genuine compliment. They will love doing the same for you.
• Become more aware of the body parts, features and personal traits about yourself that you truly appreciate. When you find yourself hyperfocusing on something you don’t like, allow your mind to float over to something you do like or some other characteristic of that body part, feature or personal trait that you do like.

For instance, I have thin lips. I was born that way and they seem to be getting thinner as I get older. Certainly not my first choice in lip shape but hey, it’s what I’ve got and I’m not planning on injecting anything. So, instead of focusing on the fact that they are thin, whenever that comes up or I notice it, I shift my thinking to the fact that they are smooth (rarely chapped), and I think I have a really nice smile. It always makes me feel better and I know it’s helpful to my body chemistry to have good feeling thoughts flowing through rather than negative, stressful ones. Try it for yourself and see.

As I mentioned above, does this mean you have to go around saying happy things outloud to everyone you meet about the parts of your body you aren’t in love with? No. Absolutely not. It just means don’t say negative things about them either.

This is a very big topic. What I’m offering here is the tip of the iceberg. Your words have power – both negative and positive. Why not let yours lean more towards the positive. You might be surprised at the results.

Remember, like everything else, this is just the beginning. Take little steps. Don’t try to do too much at once and certainly don’t berate yourself or you’ll feel overwhelmed and give up. If you need help, check out Louise Hay’s CD, “The Power of Your Spoken Word.”

Make it a game and practice it regularly. If you are like most of us you’ll have plenty of opportunity to perfect it. With practice it will become second nature, and the personal benefits are worth it.