by Cheryl Richardson

I’m a big fan of talent shows like The Voice (my current favorite), American Idol, and So You Think You Can Dance. I record the shows weekly (when each series airs) and I use them to motivate me to work out. I have a rule: I can watch a show as long as I’m moving on an exercise machine in our home gym.

I love these programs because I’m passionate about music, I love singing and dance, and I get so excited seeing people express their creativity and talent.  Don’t you just love that moment of magic when a performer seems to transcend time and space and become one with the audience and their art? Just think of Michael Jackson dancing in Thriller and you’ll know what I mean.

I also appreciate the fact that, more and more, these programs are showcasing the benefits of having a mentor or coach.  The feedback delivers clues as to what it takes to bring our best to the game.  The most common piece of advice is always the same: be yourself.  The mentors on The Voice, for example, are always suggesting that the singers relax into who they are so they’re better able to shine from the inside out without worrying about what others think.  Easier said than done, I know, especially when you’re in the vulnerable position of being on stage in front of judges!

The funny thing about being yourself is that you have to lose your self-consciousness — the habit of judging yourself — in order to do it.  You need to become so immersed in the moment and within yourself, that you begin to channel your pure creative spirit.  It’s in this empowered state that we’re able to not only do our best work, but also experience the blissful joy of creative expression.  As we link up with the Divinity in the present moment, we naturally connect with each other — the greater Oneness of all.  That’s when the fun begins.

Learning to be fully ourselves without concern for the reactions, judgments, or expectations of others is a life-long journey.  Regardless of how confident and self-possessed you are there will always be times in life when you feel vulnerable and afraid to be yourself.  That’s called living as a human being on planet earth.

The important thing to remember is that self-consciousness is about you – not other people.  I made the mistake of thinking that my awkwardness on stage, for instance, was about my fear of how others might judge me.  But, I learned that my self-consciousness was really my fear of judging myself once I got off stage.  This is such an important piece of wisdom to understand (thank you Debbie Ford).  I now have a blast on stage and, as a result, my audiences have fun learning, too.

The more you become your own best champion, supporter, cheerleader, and trusted confidant, the better able you’ll be to fully and joyfully express your blessed creativity.  That’s when your art becomes more and more successful in the world.

It begins with treating yourself with love, respect, kindness, and compassion.

If you’d like to lose your self-consciousness and empower your creative spirit, start by answering the following questions:

• What do you need to do (or stop doing), right now, to become a better friend and supporter of yourself?
• What do you need to stop saying to yourself?
• What kind of encouragement do you need?
• Who do you need to spend more time with?
• Who do you need to avoid?

The answers to these questions will get you started on the road to fuller self-expression in a way that feels good — really good.

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This week’s blog post comes from my dear friend Cheryl Richardson. You can find more from Cheryl on her website at www.cherylrichardson.com where she generously “provides you with practical tools, challenging ideas, resources, and helpful information that will support you in living a life that honors your soul.”

It’s spring.  Well, at least it is in the stores even if the weather is telling you something different.  A sea of bright colors greets you as you enter any clothing store, and this alone is enough to send some women into a tizzy.

A couple of days ago I was shopping with a client in a department store.  As we headed out into the racks of clothes she looked at me with a faint smile and said, “How do you know where to begin?  My eyes keep darting in a million different directions and I feel totally overwhelmed.”  I calmed her fears and assured her I would help her navigate the store.  I also know that so many women share the same feeling of anxiety when they go shopping for clothes, and since we are about to enter a new shopping season this topic is very timely.

That said, I am not going to address all the ins and outs of shopping successfully (you can read about that in my newly released book, That’s So You! where I devote an entire chapter to this topic.

But I do want to touch on three specific shopping habits that can keep you stuck and frustrated as you shop and even more discouraged when you get dressed every day.  Change these habits and you will change your wardrobe forever.

Here are three confessions I hear from women all the time.  Let’s look at them and see if they ring true for you.  If so, this is a great opportunity to release those old habits and start fresh:

1. “I have been shopping at __________ store(s) for the past 5/10/15 years.”  If you are shopping at the same places you did ten years ago and are no longer having any luck, the culprit is one of two things.  It could be that the store is now identifying with a different demographic–sometimes they have a new buyer who is taking them in a new direction.  If it is not the store then it must be you.  This is not a bad thing, it’s just life.  Like it or not, as the years pass, our bodies shift, our lifestyles evolve and there is no doubt that we get older each year.  It could also be that the store is still a good choice for you, but you don’t know how to switch your focus to find those more suitable options.  No matter what, it eventually requires a different way of looking at your wardrobe and it will affect your shopping experience.  There comes a point when if you keep shopping in the same places without getting the results you want, buying clothes will continue to be an exercise in futility and frustration.

We also tend to believe that we should be able to shop at xyz store because everyone else does or it used to be great or they talk about it in magazines or television.  What happens then is that you stop looking for new stores to explore, especially if shopping is not an experience you enjoy.  And, hey, can’t everyone shop at Marshalls, Macy’s or Talbots?  Not necessarily.  One of my clients told me that her husband thinks I’m wonderful because now they don’t have to stop at every Marshalls they pass.  She used to go in because she was searching for ways to complete her wardrobe and the lower cost appealed to her (and felt less scary if she made a mistake) and, as a result, she would often buy things because of the price rather than the value it contributed to her wardrobe.  Now that she has a wardrobe she loves she still shops occasionally at Marshalls, but she does it strategically and because it feels fun rather than out of desperation.

Just ask Wendy Yellen (www.EideticLifeCoach.com) about the value of finding a great store.  While working with the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ coaching program (www.whotaughtyouhowtodress.com), she learned the value of venturing into a few smaller boutique stores in her local area.  In her exploration she was delighted to find one that fit her style exactly.  Who knew!  She shared with me that, “Because of your encouragement, I actually now have a ‘favorite store’ and, unbelievably, people regularly—and often—ask me where I shop and tell me how great I look. Even better, I FEEL great about how I look!”  This one step changed her life.

A common concern is that boutiques are too expensive, but, as Wendy discovered, if you make wise choices there is a good chance you won’t spend any more than you used to.  You might have fewer clothes, but you will wear everything rather than having a lot of unworn garments hanging in your closet.  As you get to know the women who work at the store there is a good chance they will make sure you are the first to know about upcoming sales.  And, this might surprise you, but not all boutiques carry expensive lines of clothing.  Some actually have a low-moderate price point and some have a wide range of prices so there’s something for every budget.  Finding a store(s) you love can be life changing for you, too.  You get a wardrobe you feel great wearing, nothing hangs in your closet unworn, and you spend much less time shopping because you know where to shop.

Let me also say that it does not have to be a boutique that is your new go-to store.  It can be a consignment shop, a department store, a designer store, a big box store or even a thrift store—or a combination of some of the above.  It is just a matter of doing a little research in the beginning to find the places (one to four stores) that make you happy.

2. “I never try things on.”  This is a huge admission.  I know that many women dislike shopping so much that they swoop into a store, grab a few things that look promising or familiar and head home.  Or, they order online almost exclusively because it means they do not have to go anywhere near a store.  Once home they eventually try things on and too often they find themselves either trying too hard to make something work when clearly it is not ideal or they disappointingly acknowledge that the item doesn’t work, but then, with their busy lives, they often forget to return it.  It also means that they are less likely to branch out and try something new because it might not look good and then it is one more thing they have to return.  When your goal is to stay out of the stores as much as possible, the idea of venturing in even to return something takes a backseat to almost anything else in your life.

The problem is that waiting until you get home to try things on does not allow you as much freedom to explore and entertain new possibilities so you are more likely to stay stuck wearing a version of the same thing all the time.

I know what you’re thinking, “I never find anything new that I like.  Everything is too young, too old or just plain ugly and so it’s a lot easier to stay with what feels safe and easy.”  The problem is that this often means that you don’t feel inspired or excited about your wardrobe either.  Not that you have to be a fashionista, by any means, but every woman deserves to feel great about how she looks.

When you think about shopping for clothes, I’m sure you can come up with about six million things you would rather do or that feel more pressing, but if you choose a store you enjoy and schedule enough time so you don’t feel rushed and can actually try clothes on while you are there, you might be surprised at what new possibilities open up.  Why not take a deep breath and make a commitment (and actually schedule it) to expand your shopping experience?  You just might find yourself sighing with relief!

3. “I buy pieces when I find them.”  This certainly sounds innocent enough, but this one behavior can wreak more havoc on your wardrobe—and psyche—than the other two combined.  If you have orphaned pieces sitting unworn in your closet then it is well worth taking a look at this shopping habit.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with buying a spectacular piece here or there and even better when you can get it on sale.  The problem arises when you get it home and realize that, although you love it and are excited about wearing it, you cannot—no matter how hard you try—make a complete outfit out of it.  I know. I know.  Your intentions are to find something that you like so you can wear it, but for right now, it’s a lonely piece sitting there teasing you and begging to be worn.

Here’s the thing… the time to think about whether you can make it into a complete outfit is before you buy it.  Before heading to the checkout counter, mentally rummage through your closet and think about what will work with it.  Be specific.  If you cannot think of at least two items you already own that can finish it, then leave it at the store or buy the rest of the outfit (provided you love it) right then and there.  Yes, I know this takes discipline and focus, but it is worth it.

Do this exercise before you purchase another orphaned item: Take a minute and add up all the money you have spent on things you do not wear because you couldn’t figure out how to make them work and then allow that to inspire you to adopt this new shopping habit.  It will never let you down.

And, if you need more guidance, check out my hot-off-the-press book, That’s So You! and take a look at the section entitled, “Unworn Clothing: Love It or Let It Go” (just one of many that will help you) for inspiration and support.

Nearly every day I talk to women who want to be more adventuresome in their wardrobe choices, but they are afraid. As a result they find themselves buying the same things over and over because they feel easy, familiar and safe. But, their satisfaction is fleeting when they look in the mirror and see the same old look day in and day out.

What is the basis of their fear? Even if there are multiple reasons, one of the ones I hear the most often is the fear of looking silly and feeling embarrassed about how they look.

What causes this fear?

There can be many underlying reasons that they stay stuck, but there are three that stand out. See if you identify with any of these:

1. Are you afraid to make a mistake?
2. Are you afraid to step out of your comfort zone because you like it and you doubt you will find anything else you like as much?
3. Do you rely heavily on approval from others?

1. Fear of Making a Mistake

When I was in high school I was very insecure and worried a lot about how I appeared to others. As a result, I would go to any length to avoid making a mistake. In this instance I am talking about French class.

I was very proficient at reading French. I actually read Marcel Proust’s “Le Rouge et le Noir.” Trust me. That’s not easy in English never mind French. But where I really missed out was when it came to speaking French in class. I was extremely shy and very concerned that the other students would laugh at me. I didn’t like to speak unless I was sure I would do it perfectly, with all the grammar in place and a flawless accent. Now, really…how much chance was there of that? Pretty much none. I was so worried that I would do it wrong that I didn’t do it at all unless I had to.

My teacher was not to blame. In fact, I had an amazing teacher–one of my favorite teachers of all times–which made it even more sad that I didn’t take advantage of all she had to offer. In her classroom I had a safe place to practice and make mistakes so I could continually improve my conversational skills as well as refine my accent. In my case, being unwilling to risk making a mistake in front of others kept me limited in learning to express myself in a foreign language. Who knows how much more I could have learned or how much more quickly I would have increased my comfort level with my French speaking ability if I had just experimented more under her expert tutelage. Not to mention that any mistake I would have made would have been minor in the scheme of things—perhaps a mispronunciation, a wrong verb tense or misuse of a word. In other words, nothing earthshattering was going to happen if I made a mistake.

It’s the same with your wardrobe. When you venture into uncharted territory you might put an odd color combination together or wear a style that isn’t truly you just because you want to branch out and see how it feels. No harm done. It’s not like you are exposing things you shouldn’t or wearing every trend on the planet all at once. And, the beauty of it is that along the way you will find things you love and things you don’t. A “mistake” here or there is part of the experience in refining your look.

2. Fear of Stepping Outside Your Comfort Zone

I see this limitation expressed often in my clients’ closets, and Catherine is a perfect example. She and I had shopped together for many years. She was in her glory in the 1980’s when earring styles were big and covered a lot of the earlobe. She loved them! Of course, like everything else in the fashion world, eventually the earring trend went to the opposite extreme, and everyone wore small earrings. Everyone except Catherine, that is. I’m all for self-expression and had no problem with her continuing to wear larger earrings. The problem was that we couldn’t find them anywhere! It was hard for her to imagine wearing anything else (even though other styles looked equally good on her) and so she spent much of the next ten years feeling frustrated because her idea of perfection didn’t match what was available.

I know how scary it can feel to step outside your comfort zone, and I’m the first to admit that not everything will work, that’s for sure. But, when you get stuck seeing yourself just one way it prevents you from seeing new possibilities that could make you equally as happy.

3. Fear Others Will Not Approve (and the belief that they know better)

When Alison came to our first appointment she was wearing an elegantly ruffled blouse with a deep navy pencil skirt, a sapphire pendant necklace and platform pumps. Everything fit her perfectly and she looked beautiful. So why was she here? It took less than a minute of conversation before it was very clear. Someone else had dressed her. Because she felt unsure as to what looked good on her or what she felt in her heart of hearts would make her happy, she relied on her best friend and a fashion savvy sales woman to create a wardrobe for her. As a result, she looked lovely but felt out of sorts.

The way she liked to dress was in clothes that moved and felt a little bohemian and bordering on edgy. Rather than straightening her hair she loved to wear it curly but so many people had warned her that it was too unruly that she acquiesced and overrode her own style preferences. She did this because she didn’t feel secure enough in her own choices to create a wardrobe she truly loved. So she wore clothes that looked perfect on the outside and smiled as she received countless compliments. But, the satisfaction was fleeting because it didn’t reflect who she was on the inside. She had created a false sense of perfection and now felt trapped. She was afraid her friend would not approve, and she’d feel pressured into maintaining her current look. She needed a boost of confidence and guidance to find her own unique style and let go of seeking constant approval from others.

Is fear keeping you stuck in a style rut? Do you want to branch out, but you have tried to do it on your own in the past and never felt confident in your choices? I know the feeling. I could never have learned how (or goodness only knows how long it would have taken me) to speak French or create a wardrobe I love on my own. Yes, it’s true! Years ago (you can read more about my story on my website), I spent a lot of time and money making tons of mistakes. I was grappling with two of the scenarios described above. I was afraid to make a mistake (but made plenty in the process of trying to find my style) and I tried to fit in with whatever group of friends I was with. This got exhausting and never truly represented who I was. Not to mention that sometimes I knew a look didn’t work but I couldn’t figure out by myself what would have looked better! Thankfully, I found someone who could guide me in making choices that truly reflected my inner essence. It was a life changing experience and one that stays with me to this day—some 26 years later.

Can you have the same transformation? Absolutely! Every day I see how much the women on the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ forum, which is part of the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ coaching program, are growing in their abilities to put together a wardrobe and look they love. It is inspiring and gratifying to watch and support. Carla, who uses the forum regularly with great results, says:

You can have the same experience as Carla. Join the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ coaching program and begin exploring more possibilities right away…this time with guidance and support. As you practice what you learn there, your confidence will grow, and you will become more fluent in how to create a look you love. Sure there’s a risk you will make a mistake, but you will make fewer mistakes–notice I didn’t say they would go away completely–and learn something new each time you put together an outfit or shop for clothes. And, if you feel stumped as to why something doesn’t work, just jump on the forum and ask. I, and the other women in the community, will help you. The more you practice and learn about yourself the more success you will have and the greater your chances of creating a truly ideal wardrobe!

If you feel that you could benefit from expert guidance, here’s you chance to learn more about joining the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ community. Click here for more information. And, if you want the added experience of working with me in-person, learn more here about the ‘Your Style, Your Way’ workshop coming up on April 6. You will have the ‘Who Taught You How to Dress?’ program to support your workshop experience before and after. It’s the best of both worlds!

We are a society that is obsessed with being young. Our culture revolves around it. The media glorifies it. And, our mirrors reflect it (or not!). And, with each passing day, it seems we become more and more aware of whether we are meeting or falling short of these arbitrary standards.

Whether you are fast approaching 30 or about to cross the 65-year mark doesn’t really matter. The issues change only slightly but the focus is the same – how to maintain a youthful appearance and healthy, energetic attitude. It’s a constant source of conversation among women as we compare notes and recognize body parts that are changing before our eyes. On the surface it’s a good thing. Staying youthful and enjoying life is good. But, the problem arises when we spend an inordinate amount of time assessing how we measure up or trying to hide or ignore the fact that we are getting older.

Hardly a week goes by that I do not have a regular conversation with friends and clients on this topic. Conventional society reveres youth, and the wisdom and natural beauty that come with aging are rarely given the respect they deserve (especially for women). In most of these conversations, the discussion usually comes down to how do you age gracefully. Does it mean accepting without reservation all that comes with getting older? Do you have to buy into the growing market of cosmetic surgeries and additional “beauty” treatments in order to look in the mirror and feel youthful? If not, how do you compete (and by that I mean feel comfortable with who you are) when the standard of youthful aging is constantly been raised?

We have all seen celebrities who have taken their quest for youth to an extreme with a seemingly endless series of cosmetic surgeries that result in a taut, pursed, unnatural look. Some women have gone to the other extreme and relinquish all effort to feel good about how they look because they feel like it’s a losing battle.

Wrinkles, sagging skin, shifting weight and gray hair make us aware of time passing and are seen as unfortunate by-products of getting older. And, guess what! Whether we embrace it or dread it, no amount of lotions, potions, praying, exercise, good genes or plastic surgery can keep it at bay forever. So, for those of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how do we make choices that make us happy? And, most importantly, how do you make peace with the aging process without losing yourself completely as in the extremes above?

Getting Perspective:

When you think back to when you were a child or teenager, what were the older women in your family like? I remember a friend’s mother putting cold cream on her face at night because that was the only “anti-aging” product available. One of my aunts, who looked exactly like the Queen of England for as long as I can remember, wore no makeup, let her hair go gray and adjusted her dress size as her weight shifted. She offered no apologies and had seemingly little or no angst associated with it. Few older women dyed their hair (at least in my town), no one whitened their teeth (was that even invented then?) and if someone had plastic surgery it was very hush-hush and you could barely tell. To be honest, I don’t remember anyone having had it done in my town.

I can’t say all of these women eagerly embraced the aging experience but they certainly were not grasping at youth, and there was no encouragement to do so that I know of. Maybe it was easier then or maybe not. Perhaps they felt discouraged or resigned to wrinkles and sagging skin, but there was not the pressure to do something about it.

Actually, in all my wondering I decided to call my mom and ask her if my memory served me well. She didn’t hesitate a second before sharing that, “In my 30’s and 40’s I didn’t go around with a group that worried about whether our chins sagged. We didn’t talk about getting older. We were a happy group and content with ourselves.”

What a gift! While I’m sure women today can be happy with themselves they are still bucking the current of pressure to address every line and age spot that appears, and the standards are certainly different today than they were 30 or 40 years ago. When you see celebrities who are 60 or 70 looking 40 or 50 (or at least trying to) it’s hard not to consider how we, personally, measure up.

My mom added that, “We weren’t comparing ourselves to each other or to movie stars. It’s not that we didn’t care how we looked. We were all about fashion and loved getting dressed up (we’d each buy 2 dresses before going to a party because we weren’t sure which one we wanted to wear) and loved having our hair done. But, we didn’t notice wrinkles even when they came, and we didn’t feel old. There wasn’t the pressure there is today to have everything fixed.”

As we talked I found myself wishing that we could turn back the clock. These days it seems we have to make a conscious decision to be okay with how we look rather than have it just be a non-issue. And, it would be nice to have the playing field leveled again. Right now, there’s an unattainable standard of beauty for women over age 50 (and often much younger) that bears no resemblance to how we age naturally. So, even if you’ve taken good care of yourself all of your life you cannot compete with women who are having multiple treatments done. So, what do you do?

If you take my mom’s advice, she’ll tell you to “go with the flow and you’ll have fewer worries and won’t wrinkle so fast.” There’s definitely truth to that statement. But, what do you do when you’re already worried and wondering how to keep up?

Tips for Embracing the Aging Process

Since we can’t turn back the clock to a time when there was less focus on not aging, and we can’t erase the awareness from our consciousness, here are a few tips I use to keep me feeling good most of the time.

1. Don’t worry…be happy – Okay, so it sounds silly but I’ve watched friends age before my eyes when they’ve been under an inordinate amount of stress. Stress causes blood flow to your skin to be restricted, it makes you frown more and it can cause inflammation. None of this makes you feel beautiful or relaxed. And, over time, these internal stress responses will have long-term negative impact on your skin and your entire body. Regular meditation, exercise, fun distractions or positive affirmations can all contribute to a happier feeling and positive energy. Yes, it takes effort and focus to move away from stressful situations but the results are worth it in the end on many levels.
2. Focus on your health – Take it from someone who knows. When you don’t feel well you don’t feel happy or beautiful. Protect your health. Eat well, avoid toxins, exercise, sleep and play. While it’s not always easy to do these things, the effects of uncontrolled stress, are not fun or pretty.
3. Banish your magnifying mirrors – I understand that sometimes they are necessary for applying eye makeup but if so, stick to that and then put them away. Don’t spend time examining and critiquing your face through a 5- or 10-magnitude mirror. Yikes! Everyone on the planet can find something to obsess about in one of those. And, while we’re on the topic of mirrors, try to avoid mirrors that have overhead lighting. They make everyone look tired and old.
4. Always wear your best colors – This one probably should be first! In fact, during my conversation with my mom and without any prompting from me, she told a story about a friend who is now in her mid-80’s. Every time she sees this woman she is dressed nicely and is wearing beautiful colors that make her glow. This is true at any age and even more important as we get older. Sure, you might have to hold out a bit to find your best colors in the stores, but it’s worth the wait to look radiant and beautiful all of your life. (And, your colors do not stay the same throughout your life. If it has been more than 10 years since you’ve had a color analysis done (or your hair color has changed), it’s time to do it again.)
5. Smile – This is my new way of coping. I don’t see the lines around my lips or the softening of my jaw when I smile so I take every opportunity to do so. See…I made you smile!
6. Do what makes you feel good – If you look in the mirror and all you can see is dark spots on your face or lines around your lips and it’s that all-consuming, find out what your options are to soften those concerns. There’s no right or wrong way to address your experience with aging. When it comes to making choices about feeling youthful, only you can decide for yourself.

So, take a good look in the mirror and what do you see? Look past the lines, spots or gray hairs (if they bother you) and identify what it means to be the age you are. Perhaps make a list of what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Start by focusing more on what you feel good about. Then, choose one thing that is pestering you about getting older, and find out what you can do to ease that discomfort. Maybe a good first step is to whiten your teeth, get a new haircut or buy a top in a gorgeous color instead of black. If plastic surgery or a non-invasive skin treatment is the answer, then get a referral from a trusted source, and check it out. Or, the next time you have tea with friends encourage them to talk about what they love about themselves rather than what is making them feel old. Lighten the energy and help each other see how beautiful you are at whatever age you are now. We thrive on this kind of connection and need to create our own support network when the media and society ignore or harass us. Don’t buy into their youth-crazed messages.

Will there still be days when we wish we had firm knees again, a tiny waist or our natural colored hair? Sure. But even if it means lengthening your dresses a bit or buying a top that skims your waist instead of accentuating it or finding out what colors make your gray or colored hair look amazing, you can look and feel great now. This is your personal journey. It is worth it to find out how to make peace with aging gracefully so you can enjoy every step along the way!

One night, as I was sitting in a hotel room in New York City I suddenly had a startling thought, “I think I forgot to renew my driver’s license!” I jumped off the bed and ran to my wallet and sure enough, it had expired 3 weeks earlier. It had totally slipped my mind! Of course, there wasn’t anything I could do at the time. It would have to wait until Monday, but being a law-abiding citizen and someone who prides herself on remembering details and dates, I was very upset and disconcerted. Now I had to go through an entire weekend with an expired license.

At first my mind went to the inconvenience and seemingly certain unpleasantness of it all. We all have stories to tell of long, endless lines at the Registry of Motor Vehicles and rude staff. Although I chose to think positively about it and was picturing a smooth resolution to this, you can imagine how I felt when I arrived at the registry 10 minutes before they opened only to find 100 (yes, 100!) people in line ahead of me. I had momentary visions of being there all day.

That was not to be the case. Dare I say it? The registry in Revere, Massachusetts is amazing. They are organized, efficient, and (yup!) friendly. They moved everyone along easily, didn’t yell at or penalize me for being late, and I was out of there in less than 40 minutes!

All of that aside, often one of the things we dread the most about renewing our license is having our picture taken. It’s not like you will have another opportunity in a few months to redo it if you don’t like it. You’re stuck with it for 5 years! So, five years ago and again last month I practiced my system for taking a pretty good picture for my license (for example, here’s my old picture).

Let me share a few tips for getting a license picture you like:

1. Prepare. Sure, you’re only going to the RMV to wait in line but you’ll be staring at the results of that experience for the next 5 years.

• Wear your best color and a flattering neckline (sometimes this will show and sometimes it won’t – as you can see from my two pictures)
• Wear great jewelry, especially earrings (a necklace will not always show in the picture but earrings will)
• If you wear makeup add a touch more since the flash will wash you out a bit.
• Make sure you spend a few extra minutes styling your hair. Sure, this might not be the photo you’ll put on your mantel or your website but it’s still a photo shoot of sorts.

2. Keep a positive attitude. Okay, so this seems a tad new agey for the simple task of taking a license picture but I’m a big believer that your final experience will take its cue from the energy of your expectations (I help women with this all the time when we go shopping!). Allow for the possibility that your new picture will be fabulous and you’ll have fun doing it (normally I wouldn’t say that about the RMV but my experience was good and you can have that, too!). If you’re feeling stressed it will show in your picture so enjoy it as much as you can.

3. Start smiling before you get in front of the camera. This is the most important one of all! They snap it pretty quickly so the minute they say – go stand over there, start smiling – with your eyes and your mouth.

4. Keep your neck elongated. I would recommend practicing this one in private first so it doesn’t seem so weird when you get there. This one might seem funny but if you tuck your chin back, it will give you double chins that will be noticeable in the picture. Instead (and this is good information for picture taking in general), if you bring your shoulders down and back and feel like your neck is nice and long (but don’t lift your chin unnaturally) you’ll see the difference. Another way of putting it is to feel like you are leaning in towards the camera. Okay, if this all feels too weird and contrived, skip it!

5. Wash, rinse and repeat. Ask to see the photo and if you don’t like it ask the attendant if s/he can take another one (they will). Sometimes just the thought that you can do it again helps you relax so the first picture comes out better. Or, it at least lets you get the bugs out for the second take.

Tada! My newest picture is the bottom picture at the right (trust me, if I went without following any of the tips above, this picture would look completely different):

As one client said, “The tips you gave me for having my driver’s license picture taken helped tremendously: start smiling as soon as you sit down (you’re right, they take that photo with very little notice), keep your neck elongated, and wear a great color. I’m going to print these out and save them for five years from now when I have to do it again!”

Of all the suggestions above, the most important is to smile! How many times have you seen someone’s driver’s license and they are grimacing or look super stressed out. An authentic smile goes a long way to softening everything and will help you smile the next time you pull out your license.

If all else fails you can ask them to keep your previous picture (if you like it) but you can only do this once every 9 years. I asked the woman if we could take the picture and if I didn’t like it could we keep the old one? She said, “Yes, but if you keep the old one you won’t be able to renew your license online in 5 years so I recommend taking a new one now.” Good advice! (If I had realized I could renew online I probably wouldn’t have forgotten in the first place!)

So, does this all seem over-the-top? Maybe. But what I like is that with a few minutes preparation I can have a picture I pretty much like for the next few years. If this seems silly, simply ignore it. I just like to share what I learn and hope it’s helpful to you, too!

Not too long ago I was attending a social event and was introduced to two lovely women who arrived together. We struck up a conversation about (what else!) fashion, and at one point one of the women turned to her friend and said, “I wish I had your body.” Without missing a beat, the other woman rolled her eyes and replied, “Oh, please!” and then launched into a litany of why no one else would ever want her body. Meanwhile, I’m standing there thinking how attractive and bright both of these women are.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Have you witnessed it or been an active part of it many times over the years? We are often unaware of the damage these statements or experiences have on our psyche, our self-esteem, and our ability to create a wardrobe we love. It seems that throughout our lifetime we are trained to quietly (and often using humor to offset the sadness and meanspiritedness (although rarely is this purposeful)) belittle ourselves, and, as a result, women have cornered the market on self-deprecating remarks.

This is not a good thing. As Louise Hay will tell you, language is a powerful thing. “Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives.” Think about it…

Have you ever had someone compliment you on your hair and say, “Oh, wow…it’s driving me crazy today. It never seems to do what I want it to and the humidity just makes it …” Or, someone admires your sweater and you say, “Thanks. I wish I didn’t have to wear it. I’m so hot but my arms are so flabby that I don’t feel comfortable exposing them.”

How about instead that you just say, “Thank you! You made my day!” Then, inwardly take a deep breath and maybe take it one step further. You don’t have to say anything else out loud. Instead think to yourself, “Wow, how fabulous that my hair looks good on such a day. That’s great news since my hair appointment is still a week away.” Find a way to make it feel good. You don’t have to lie and say to yourself (or anyone else) that you are lucky to have the most amazing hair in the world (unless you honestly believe that and then that’s awesome). Otherwise, as my mother frequently says, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”

What are you saying to yourself about your body that keeps you stuck in a rut? Be careful about shrugging it off as good-natured kidding or insignificant conversation. These comments are much more damaging to your psyche than you might know.

Here’s a little exercise to do today: Watch your language.

• When someone compliments you, do you explain that it’s a fluke or look at them like they are nutty?
• Do you regularly commiserate with other women about self-perceived body flaws?
• Do you look in the mirror and focus immediately on the parts of your body you are unhappy with?

The good news is that this is a habit you can change immediately. While you will probably slip from time to time the more you notice what you say the easier it is to change it:

• Awareness is the first step to positive change. The next time you receive a compliment (no matter how misdirected you might think it is), say thank you and smile (and pretend, if you have to, to yourself like you knew it all along). Not only that but you’ll be modeling healthy behavior to other women. What a gift!
• No more gripe sessions with your friends. Tell them you are on a new path to self-acceptance and invite them to come along. Challenge them to say something lovely about themselves – get them started by offering them a genuine compliment. They will love doing the same for you.
• Become more aware of the body parts, features and personal traits about yourself that you truly appreciate. When you find yourself hyperfocusing on something you don’t like, allow your mind to float over to something you do like or some other characteristic of that body part, feature or personal trait that you do like.

For instance, I have thin lips. I was born that way and they seem to be getting thinner as I get older. Certainly not my first choice in lip shape but hey, it’s what I’ve got and I’m not planning on injecting anything. So, instead of focusing on the fact that they are thin, whenever that comes up or I notice it, I shift my thinking to the fact that they are smooth (rarely chapped), and I think I have a really nice smile. It always makes me feel better and I know it’s helpful to my body chemistry to have good feeling thoughts flowing through rather than negative, stressful ones. Try it for yourself and see.

As I mentioned above, does this mean you have to go around saying happy things outloud to everyone you meet about the parts of your body you aren’t in love with? No. Absolutely not. It just means don’t say negative things about them either.

This is a very big topic. What I’m offering here is the tip of the iceberg. Your words have power – both negative and positive. Why not let yours lean more towards the positive. You might be surprised at the results.

Remember, like everything else, this is just the beginning. Take little steps. Don’t try to do too much at once and certainly don’t berate yourself or you’ll feel overwhelmed and give up. If you need help, check out Louise Hay’s CD, “The Power of Your Spoken Word.”

Make it a game and practice it regularly. If you are like most of us you’ll have plenty of opportunity to perfect it. With practice it will become second nature, and the personal benefits are worth it.

Just in the past week alone I have had several (not just one, but several) women call me saying something like,

Not only do they have to ponder the ever-changing world of fashion as it relates to their body, personal style and lifestyle, but they have to ward off negative comments (whether well-intentioned or not) from others along the way.

For some women, creating a wardrobe has been a constant source of frustration while for others their discontent has evolved as their bodies have changed.  Add to that the bombardment of messages that how they look is not okay, and you have a big giant mess!

Believe it or not, when it comes to how we feel about how we look, more harm is done by those closest to us than strangers or acquaintances.  In today’s technology obsessed world we are overwhelmed with makeover TV shows, fashion magazines and celebrity style updates.  As a result teenagers know a lot more about fashion than those of us over 40 did when we were their age.

Unfortunately, while some of their information might be helpful and enlightening (not all of it, though…remember, they are teenagers!) it’s the delivery that is often lacking in tact.  Sadly, mothers are equally culpable and because their comments often come at an earlier age when we are most vulnerable the ramifications are longer lasting.

Several years ago I surveyed women about what “hurtful comments and unwanted advice” (now a chapter in my body image, style and self-esteem home study program “Who Taught You How To Dress?”) they still carry with them.  Yikes!  The input was overwhelming and often heart wrenching. Here are two simple examples:

The comments range from simple seemingly benign comments like those above to much more insidious and mean-spirited like this one:

Does this strike a chord with you?  Have you experienced something similar?  Does it still influence your feelings about your body and your wardrobe?  The truth is even when you are very insightful and logical about it, it can still have emotional impact as the woman from above went on to explain:

I know this is a huge, often very charged topic (which is why it has its own chapter in my home study program).  I also know it is important to address the hurt so you can move forward and feel good about how you look.  That is a very necessary step to unburden yourself and truly delight in who you are.  Whether it is a good therapist, energy healing or some other personal growth work, the rewards are great.  It is a way to bring your psyche (and your personal style) back to a heart-centered place and truly enjoy who you are and how you express yourself in the world.

Once your awareness has set this journey in motion and you have a newfound sense of empowerment, there are 3 things to remember:

1.    Please Yourself First. What you wear and how you present yourself visually is a very personal decision.  You get to choose – not your daughter, your husband, your best friend or your mother!  And, here’s the clincher: Generally speaking when you feel fabulous about how you look (even if others do not totally agree), their unsolicited comments have much less charge to them. When you reconnect with your personal power and can honestly experience that special part of you that makes you you, discovering your personal style will feel more organic.  Whether you do it on your own or with support, this step is critical to disarming the hurtful comments.

2.    Just Say No! First of all, who gave these people permission to comment on how someone else looks?  Some people have a bad habit of imposing their personal views on others and think that being a family member or close friend gives them free reign.  It does not! When you are the recipient of one of these hurtful comments or unwanted advice, let them know (with grace and love) that this is not acceptable.  If you are having trouble verbalizing this I highly recommend reading books by Cheryl Richardson or Louise Hay (and now they’ve written one together called, “You Can Create an Exceptional Life.”)  They will guide you in setting boundaries so you get what you need AND feel good about it.

3.    Surround Yourself With Support. You deserve to have your life filled with people who cherish you for who you are and are not trying to change you to fit their mold of what is right and acceptable (on their terms).  When you have this kind of support you can also feel comfortable being vulnerable and are more likely to ask them for advice because you know it will be given with kindness and love.

Lastly, I cannot stress this enough.  The premise for much of this unwanted advice is that “I know better” and so they feel like it is their right and duty to impose their views.  Bottom line: the end does not justify the means – no matter what we see and hear on reality TV shows!   Yes, you might go ahead and make the changes they suggest or bully you into, but will it be from a place of inspiration and excitement or sadness, resignation and self-loathing?

Life is too short to spend every day feeling disempowered each time you get dressed.  Your wardrobe is meant to be a source of joy and personal expression not a source of aggravation.  Take it one step at a time as you move yourself in a direction that will make YOU happy every morning.  Whether it means setting boundaries with others, making changes to your wardrobe or both, be sure it comes from a place of genuine delight and a love of beauty motivated by your own self-confidence.  Make peace with your body and with those who criticize you.  Then, allow yourself to explore your style from a heart-centered place.  When you please yourself first, you won’t believe how this will transform your state of being and silence your critics (both inner and outer!).

When you choose a doctor do you want the best or do you say, “What the heck, good enough is good enough?”

Of course not!

When you help your child with her homework and she tells you that 2+2=5, do you say, “Oh, Sweetie, that’s good enough?”

I doubt it!

When you go out for dinner and order spaghetti and they bring you lentil soup, do you send it back or say that’s good enough?  Chances are good you send it back.

So, why do you get dressed every day in something that is just…well…good enough?

Recently, I was shopping with a woman for the first time, and she tried a top on.  As she looked in the mirror and assessed what she saw, I could feel her mind whirling.  I asked her how she liked it, and she hesitated and then said, “I’m not sure I like the fabric but it fits so I think it’s good enough.”

Oooops…I think not!  That was her old MO, but I was there to help her move beyond that and never settle for less than great or fabulous or terrific – never, ever just good enough!

She looked relieved (and maybe a tad skeptical or nervous) when I explained this to her.  Up until then, good enough had been her default.  She always felt thankful when she at least met that (low!) standard.

But, that was why she had called me and so that was all about to change!

What makes someone settle for “good enough?”

• A belief that this is the best she can do so she’d better grab it while she can before she has to settle for “not horrible” or worse!
• Continual frustration finding clothes/styles she likes or that fit properly…or, both.
• Lack of resources. (I’m not talking about having a limited budget.)  Uncertainty as to where to shop to find what she likes and that is within her budget. Great finds can be found at K-Mart, Target or thrift stores, so money is not the issue most people think it is.
• Compromised self-confidence or low self-esteem (often from past experiences with hurtful comments and unwanted advice).
• Lack of time. Some women are just so busy that this aspect of self-care falls to the bottom of their priority list.
• Lack of interest. Not every woman enjoys shopping (especially if she can’t easily find what she likes), and it is only recently that women have felt comfortable expressing that preference.

There is a solution to each of these situations and the pay off is a wardrobe that screams fabulous!

Consider these things the next time you shop:

• Good enough is never the best you can do. And, no, it doesn’t always mean you have to spend more money, lose weight or drink from the fountain of youth.  When you have the proper tools to help you make good choices, it gets easier to understand how to pass up good for great.
• So many women stay stuck in a fashion rut hoping to find something new at the same old places.  Branching out and trying something new can have exciting results (and sometimes, yes, it just gives you a good chuckle!).
• In my home study program (www.whotaughtyouhowtodress.com) I devote an entire chapter to hurtful comments and unwanted advice.  Sadly, it is much needed since so many women harbor feelings of inadequacy related to their bodies.  The culprit is often identified as a past overheard conversation about them, a direct insult, or perhaps a backhanded compliment.   The sad truth is that as long as these feelings prevail, your wardrobe will suffer, too.  Becoming aware of the hold derogatory comments has on your psyche (and consequently your personal style) is the first step to moving past “good enough.”
• The only solution to the issue of no time is to make time. But (and there’s a big but), it is critical that you understand how to find the things that will make you happy.  When you do this you are much more likely to enjoy the experience of shopping and then…surprise…you often find the time.  Either way you still have to shop from time to time, but without learning how to find the things you love to wear, you will continue to waste a lot of time standing in front of your closet hoping something new and wondrous will magically appear and feeling despondent when it doesn’t!
• If you truly hate to shop you have two choices…learn to do it as effectively and efficiently as possible or get someone to help you and streamline the experience. Of course, the third choice is to keep doing what you are doing.

Here’s the bottom line: We spend too much of our life dressing – at least once a day!  You deserve to have this be a joyful (or at least peaceful!) experience.  If it isn’t, you are missing a delicious opportunity for self-expression and creativity.

I cannot say this enough.  This is not a hopeless situation for anyone.  You CAN have a wardrobe that is way better than good enough. Yes, you can!

Can I also tell you a secret…good enough is different for everyone! (One person’s good enough can be another person’s favorite outfit and vice versa.)  It all has to do with what makes your heart sing.  Once you know that, you will never settle for “good enough” again.

It’s the little touches, the extra care taken to be sure something is “just so,” that completes a look. Imagine presenting a simple report in a beautiful binder with an enticing cover page (rather than simply handing it out stapled), or how much a garnish of mint adds to the beauty of a dish of sorbet. Although the ordinary presentation is acceptable and gets the job accomplished, that extra touch gives it interest and gets noticed with admiration. It’s that finishing touch that says you’re mindful of the details that make a lasting impression.

It’s the same with your personal presentation. Putting a simple, basic outfit together is one thing, and it certainly gets the job done. But going the extra mile to make sure the outfit is special (which does not mean that it has to be obvious, flamboyant or expensive) is the difference between good and great.

Here are a few subtle extra touches that get noticed.

1.  One Spectacular Accessory.

This is possibly the easiest and most effective way to accomplish this feat. You can even keep it simple by dressing monochromatically (wear black, white, brown, navy… any neutral color works well) and add a beautiful handbag or colorful shoes. The key is not to have millions of scarves or a closet full of handbags and shoes. It’s to have a few extraordinary accessories. You can spend the same amount of money (often even less) on a few wonderful things rather than on a drawer full of ordinary accessories. In the long run, you get more value from them because you wear them more.

Check out this statement necklace at Spiegel and how it enhances her outfit

2.  Beautifully Manicured Hands.

People notice hands. In fact, since we are always shaking hands, making a point with our hands, or talking with our hands, it’s hard not to notice them. And, because they are so functional, it’s easy to unintentionally neglect them. The first step, if you don’t naturally do this, is to evaluate the condition of your hands:

• Are they in good shape or are they dry?
• What’s the state of your nails and cuticles? Manicures are not expensive. They protect and preserve the look of your hands. Polish isn’t necessary. Keeping your cuticles and nails groomed, however, gets noticed.

Try this awesome line of nail products from SpaRitual (www.sparitual.com or www.dermstore.com) (socially responsible, environmentally conscious and 100% vegan and cruelty-free) (my favorite color is Gold Digger).

3.  Have a Good Hair Day.

Okay, so we’ve been having a couple of months of bad hair days here in the northeast. With snow, sleet, freezing rain and winter hats, our hairstyles don’t stand a chance. Believe it or not, I’ve even heard weather people (even men!) report that a particular day will be a bad hair day. We live with this possibility all year round but it has been particularly bad this winter.

Your hair is your biggest accessory. It’s one of the first things someone notices because it’s right there front and center. I also know that for many people if their hair is not cooperating (or changing in a way they don’t like for myriad reasons) then somehow other things don’t seem to work right either. One of the keys (weather aside!) is having a great cut that flatters your face and good grooming and maintenance. Messy hair is distracting and an unflattering (or style-less) haircut will never do you justice.

Having a hairstyle (and color) that you love just makes you feel better. Trust, me I know all of this intimately having just grown my hair out for the past year from short to just beyond my shoulders and my stylists can tell you that I have done my fair share of complaining along the way.

If you don’t have a great stylist, get a referral and go to someone new immediately. Having a hairstyle you love can lift your mood, bring focus to your eyes and, hey, for those of us over 40 it can provide a kind of mini-face lift.

These are just a few of the “accessories” that can make your personal presentation look and feel special. Remember that just because someone doesn’t say anything about how you look doesn’t mean they don’t notice.

Nine times out of ten proper decorum will prohibit someone from mentioning something negative. The little extras will at the very least get an appreciative glance and many times a compliment. The best part of all, of course, is that you will look and feel great!

Where did you learn about fashion and style?

If you’re 20 you might not know what I’m talking about. The world is definitely a different place today than it was 10, 20 or 30+ years ago.  We didn’t have the internet, the vast array of fashion magazines, red carpet analyses, and makeover TV shows were a long way off. But, the truth is no matter how old you are, many women are still being unduly influenced by something way more powerful and longlasting: Hurtful comments and unwanted advice from friends, relatives and yes, even strangers!

If you’ve been the unfortunate recipient of one of these remarks, then you know that they can wreak havoc on one’s self-esteem and as a result one’s personal style.  Often, all it takes is one (just one!) comment like this:

Or what about this…”I had a health teacher who made me stand up in front of the class while she said, ‘You see, here’s a fat person who knows how to dress to make herself look thinner.’” And, a mother’s comment is often one of the most challenging to dismiss.  As one woman shared with me…“My mother used to tell me, ‘You have muscular legs which is a sign of stubbornness and you should wear long skirts or pants.’” Was this purposefully hurtful or her version of “sound advice” coming from mom.  Who cares!  It’s hurtful, and guess what…who says she’s right?
Sometimes the comments are just plain clueless like this one, “I know it’s so hard for you to work for such a beautiful boss. She’s the beauty queen and you’re the librarian.”  (At least we hope it’s a misguided “joke” and not just mean spiritedness that prompted this comment, but that’s no excuse.  Everyone can learn to be more kind and thoughtful.)

What about you?  Are there comments like these that are holding you back from expressing that really amazing part of you that deserves to be shared with the world, and most importantly honors who you are?

What’s the First Step?

Or this woman who shared a very poignant experience she has lived with for many years:

Now What?

These negative comments have absolutely no place in your psyche or your wardrobe.  I strongly encourage and support you to do what you need to do to dismiss them once and for all (remember, these are usually more about the other person than you) so they no longer have a stronghold on you.  Sure, you will probably have to get creative but it will be worth it in the long run as you clear away these insensitive comments and allow yourself to embrace a feeling of delight in your body and your personal style.
Believe me, I do not take this topic lightly.  In fact, it was such a prominent issue that I devoted an entire chapter in my home study program “Who Taught You How To Dress?” to Hurtful Comments and Unwanted Advice.

These insensitive remarks often do the most damage when we feel insecure about a part of our body or question our ability to look as fabulous as we’d like to.

“Who Taught You How To Dress?” is about empowering women…you…to feel amazing every day.  I walk you through the process of addressing inner as well as outer obstacles that keep you stuck in a fashion rut.

And, as an very special bonus, only women who have this program have access to the fabulous on-line discussion group where you can ask questions, share frustrations and breakthroughs and even post pictures to get feedback (sensitive, empowering feedback only) on your fashion and style concerns and adventures.

There are 3 reasons why this is the perfect time to take advantage of all “Who Taught You How To Dress?” has to offer:

1. It’s an amazing first step in creating a wardrobe and personal style you love – and you get a free private 30-minute consultation with me on the phone (or in my studio if you are local).
2. The on-line fashion discussion group is amazing.  Learn from what others are posting and ask your questions easily and watch for new benefits to help support you even more fully in your personal transformation.  It’s almost as good as having me in your closet with you.
3. Grab your copy now before the significant price increase. It is now $227 and on March 1st it is going up to $397.

Every woman, no matter how young or old, heavy or slim, tall or short, can look fabulous every day.  A very key step in the process is having positive fashion influences.  Be absolutely sure you know and, most importantly, be sure to banish the negative influences that have no place in your head or your closet.