We are a society that is obsessed with being young. Our culture revolves around it. The media glorifies it. And, our mirrors reflect it (or not!). And, with each passing day, it seems we become more and more aware of whether we are meeting or falling short of these arbitrary standards.

Whether you are fast approaching 30 or about to cross the 65-year mark doesn’t really matter. The issues change only slightly but the focus is the same – how to maintain a youthful appearance and healthy, energetic attitude. It’s a constant source of conversation among women as we compare notes and recognize body parts that are changing before our eyes. On the surface it’s a good thing. Staying youthful and enjoying life is good. But, the problem arises when we spend an inordinate amount of time assessing how we measure up or trying to hide or ignore the fact that we are getting older.

Hardly a week goes by that I do not have a regular conversation with friends and clients on this topic. Conventional society reveres youth, and the wisdom and natural beauty that come with aging are rarely given the respect they deserve (especially for women). In most of these conversations, the discussion usually comes down to how do you age gracefully. Does it mean accepting without reservation all that comes with getting older? Do you have to buy into the growing market of cosmetic surgeries and additional “beauty” treatments in order to look in the mirror and feel youthful? If not, how do you compete (and by that I mean feel comfortable with who you are) when the standard of youthful aging is constantly been raised?

We have all seen celebrities who have taken their quest for youth to an extreme with a seemingly endless series of cosmetic surgeries that result in a taut, pursed, unnatural look. Some women have gone to the other extreme and relinquish all effort to feel good about how they look because they feel like it’s a losing battle.

Wrinkles, sagging skin, shifting weight and gray hair make us aware of time passing and are seen as unfortunate by-products of getting older. And, guess what! Whether we embrace it or dread it, no amount of lotions, potions, praying, exercise, good genes or plastic surgery can keep it at bay forever. So, for those of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how do we make choices that make us happy? And, most importantly, how do you make peace with the aging process without losing yourself completely as in the extremes above?

Getting Perspective:

When you think back to when you were a child or teenager, what were the older women in your family like? I remember a friend’s mother putting cold cream on her face at night because that was the only “anti-aging” product available. One of my aunts, who looked exactly like the Queen of England for as long as I can remember, wore no makeup, let her hair go gray and adjusted her dress size as her weight shifted. She offered no apologies and had seemingly little or no angst associated with it. Few older women dyed their hair (at least in my town), no one whitened their teeth (was that even invented then?) and if someone had plastic surgery it was very hush-hush and you could barely tell. To be honest, I don’t remember anyone having had it done in my town.

I can’t say all of these women eagerly embraced the aging experience but they certainly were not grasping at youth, and there was no encouragement to do so that I know of. Maybe it was easier then or maybe not. Perhaps they felt discouraged or resigned to wrinkles and sagging skin, but there was not the pressure to do something about it.

Actually, in all my wondering I decided to call my mom and ask her if my memory served me well. She didn’t hesitate a second before sharing that, “In my 30’s and 40’s I didn’t go around with a group that worried about whether our chins sagged. We didn’t talk about getting older. We were a happy group and content with ourselves.”

What a gift! While I’m sure women today can be happy with themselves they are still bucking the current of pressure to address every line and age spot that appears, and the standards are certainly different today than they were 30 or 40 years ago. When you see celebrities who are 60 or 70 looking 40 or 50 (or at least trying to) it’s hard not to consider how we, personally, measure up.

My mom added that, “We weren’t comparing ourselves to each other or to movie stars. It’s not that we didn’t care how we looked. We were all about fashion and loved getting dressed up (we’d each buy 2 dresses before going to a party because we weren’t sure which one we wanted to wear) and loved having our hair done. But, we didn’t notice wrinkles even when they came, and we didn’t feel old. There wasn’t the pressure there is today to have everything fixed.”

As we talked I found myself wishing that we could turn back the clock. These days it seems we have to make a conscious decision to be okay with how we look rather than have it just be a non-issue. And, it would be nice to have the playing field leveled again. Right now, there’s an unattainable standard of beauty for women over age 50 (and often much younger) that bears no resemblance to how we age naturally. So, even if you’ve taken good care of yourself all of your life you cannot compete with women who are having multiple treatments done. So, what do you do?

If you take my mom’s advice, she’ll tell you to “go with the flow and you’ll have fewer worries and won’t wrinkle so fast.” There’s definitely truth to that statement. But, what do you do when you’re already worried and wondering how to keep up?

Tips for Embracing the Aging Process

Since we can’t turn back the clock to a time when there was less focus on not aging, and we can’t erase the awareness from our consciousness, here are a few tips I use to keep me feeling good most of the time.

1. Don’t worry…be happy – Okay, so it sounds silly but I’ve watched friends age before my eyes when they’ve been under an inordinate amount of stress. Stress causes blood flow to your skin to be restricted, it makes you frown more and it can cause inflammation. None of this makes you feel beautiful or relaxed. And, over time, these internal stress responses will have long-term negative impact on your skin and your entire body. Regular meditation, exercise, fun distractions or positive affirmations can all contribute to a happier feeling and positive energy. Yes, it takes effort and focus to move away from stressful situations but the results are worth it in the end on many levels.
2. Focus on your health – Take it from someone who knows. When you don’t feel well you don’t feel happy or beautiful. Protect your health. Eat well, avoid toxins, exercise, sleep and play. While it’s not always easy to do these things, the effects of uncontrolled stress, are not fun or pretty.
3. Banish your magnifying mirrors – I understand that sometimes they are necessary for applying eye makeup but if so, stick to that and then put them away. Don’t spend time examining and critiquing your face through a 5- or 10-magnitude mirror. Yikes! Everyone on the planet can find something to obsess about in one of those. And, while we’re on the topic of mirrors, try to avoid mirrors that have overhead lighting. They make everyone look tired and old.
4. Always wear your best colors – This one probably should be first! In fact, during my conversation with my mom and without any prompting from me, she told a story about a friend who is now in her mid-80’s. Every time she sees this woman she is dressed nicely and is wearing beautiful colors that make her glow. This is true at any age and even more important as we get older. Sure, you might have to hold out a bit to find your best colors in the stores, but it’s worth the wait to look radiant and beautiful all of your life. (And, your colors do not stay the same throughout your life. If it has been more than 10 years since you’ve had a color analysis done (or your hair color has changed), it’s time to do it again.)
5. Smile – This is my new way of coping. I don’t see the lines around my lips or the softening of my jaw when I smile so I take every opportunity to do so. See…I made you smile!
6. Do what makes you feel good – If you look in the mirror and all you can see is dark spots on your face or lines around your lips and it’s that all-consuming, find out what your options are to soften those concerns. There’s no right or wrong way to address your experience with aging. When it comes to making choices about feeling youthful, only you can decide for yourself.

So, take a good look in the mirror and what do you see? Look past the lines, spots or gray hairs (if they bother you) and identify what it means to be the age you are. Perhaps make a list of what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Start by focusing more on what you feel good about. Then, choose one thing that is pestering you about getting older, and find out what you can do to ease that discomfort. Maybe a good first step is to whiten your teeth, get a new haircut or buy a top in a gorgeous color instead of black. If plastic surgery or a non-invasive skin treatment is the answer, then get a referral from a trusted source, and check it out. Or, the next time you have tea with friends encourage them to talk about what they love about themselves rather than what is making them feel old. Lighten the energy and help each other see how beautiful you are at whatever age you are now. We thrive on this kind of connection and need to create our own support network when the media and society ignore or harass us. Don’t buy into their youth-crazed messages.

Will there still be days when we wish we had firm knees again, a tiny waist or our natural colored hair? Sure. But even if it means lengthening your dresses a bit or buying a top that skims your waist instead of accentuating it or finding out what colors make your gray or colored hair look amazing, you can look and feel great now. This is your personal journey. It is worth it to find out how to make peace with aging gracefully so you can enjoy every step along the way!

As a teenager, going to the beach was an ordeal for me on many levels.  First of all, I’m white as white can be and so, while my friends basked in the sun all day, I’d be burned to a crisp within about 30 minutes.  But, that wasn’t all…

While I was sitting on the blanket wrapped in several towels, a sweatshirt, and a hat, I’d watch the other women sun bathers and…yup, you guessed it, I’d compare myself.  Trust me, to my way of thinking I NEVER measured up.

Mostly, I would study the legs of the women walking by.  Were there any attractive women who were knocked kneed.  Nope…never.  So, I always, always felt self-conscious walking on the beach.  I just imagined that everyone who saw me snickered at the shape of my legs.

Of course, the key word there is “imagined!”  Never, ever in my whole life has anyone pointed to my legs and laughed (at least that I’ve been able to see). I, however, am excruciatingly aware of the fact that my legs are not straight.

I used to cringe at the thought of wearing shorts for gym class in high school and college, and I spent the 80′s (when short skirts were the only length to wear) standing with my left knee bent so no one could tell it was crooked.

Phew!  Thankfully, I have come to terms with the fact that my legs are unique and have learned to appreciate that they are long and healthy.  Sure, I’d be delighted to wake up one morning with straight (and could they be a little less white, too, please) legs, but it’s more a fun fantasy than a sad longing.

It saddens me to think of the amount of time I spent suffering around this when all the time my friends would say, “we don’t see it,” or “you must hide it well,” or “it’s barely noticeable so what are you so worried about?”

What about you?

Take a few minutes to reflect on these questions:

• What body part do you scrutinize on other women and compare to your own body?

• How does that make you feel?

• Do you blow it out of proportion?  (Be honest here…)

• What would happen if you stopped hyper-focusing on it?

• Do you know what triggered it originally or what triggers your insecurity around it now?

What Do You Do Next?

• Admit it bugs you, and (yes, this is important) commit to making peace with it.

o   Visualize yourself smiling compassionately at that body part.  (I know, it sounds a little woo-woo, but it really does make a difference.)

o   Acknowledge the uniqueness of who you are and that that’s part of what makes you special (think Barbra Streisand’s nose or Lauren Hutton’s gap between her teeth…)

o   Commit to learn how to dress to honor that part of your body (this means not trying to eradicate it or hide it under layers of fabric but acknowledging it’s preciousness as part of you and not dressing as if you think it’s an eyesore!)

• Stop whining.

Okay, maybe you don’t whine, but I did for years.  Oh, poor me…I have knock knees.  Of course, since there’s nothing I can do about them, whining does nothing other than make me feel badly about my body.  Sure, I’d love to be able to wear skinny jeans (and perhaps with just the right outfit I can do it (although I have yet to find that)) but, hey, if I can’t without drawing attention there and feeling conspicuous then so be it.  There are plenty of other clothing options available that don’t accentuate my knees!

• Become a master of drawing focus somewhere else.

o   Acknowledge 2-3 body parts that you love – do not skip this part!

o   Learn ways to draw focus there by using color, detail, pattern, accessories, texture, etc. to make a statement.

o   And, by all means, do not sit around looking uncomfortable because you are afraid someone will notice the offending body part, or don’t run from having your picture taken.  Dress in a way that makes your heart sing, hold your chin up and smile!  (So, yes, you might have to practice this a few times or you might have to get some coaching on how to dress in a way that makes your heart sing but each tiny step you take towards honoring your body will only boost your confidence and self-esteem, and there is no greater benefit!).

Here’s what I have learned: life is too short to spend bemoaning what we don’t have.  Celebrate what you do have (no matter how small it is to begin with) and you will always feel (and look) better!

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Do you admire your sparkly eyes, toned arms, or small waist?  Or, do you zoom in with great precision on your curvy hips (although you probably call them big or worse!), legs that you wish were longer, or hair that you wish was thicker?  If the latter sounds more familiar, you are in good company — it’s a common issue among women.  But, let‘s not get too comfortable there!

When I met Theresa, she sat down in a nearby chair and with a sigh said, “How can I hide my stomach and what do I do about my flat chest?” Change the day, the name and the body parts and you’ll get some idea of how often I hear women despair about parts of their bodies they don’t like.  Granted, most women come to me because they are frustrated but rarely do I hear things like, I’d like to know how to show off my long neck or hourglass figure.

Chances are good as you read the above paragraph that you are smiling sheepishly knowing that you do the same thing–lamenting about what you don’t like and overlooking what you do.  In fact, sometimes we spend so much time fretting about what we don’t like that we forget we have features we appreciate.  To be fair most women do this out of habit.  We’ve been conditioned to focus on a particular “offending” body part.  As one woman expressed, “When I was a kid, I overheard one of my aunts say to my mother that it was a good thing I was smart, as I wasn’t very pretty. It made me feel as if I had no right to try to look pretty –it would always be out of my reach.”  It’s these kind of hurtful comments that contribute to women feeling badly about themselves.  They often carry these beliefs around with them and allow them to negatively influence their day-to-day wardrobe choices.

Think back…have you experienced hurtful comments or unwanted advice that affects the way you perceive your body?

• Did you internalize it and own it or were you able to shrug it off as someone’s insensitive, rude opinion?

• How does it make you feel today?

• How does it affect the choices you make when buying clothes or making decisions about some aspect of your personal style.

Awareness is the first step to making positive change. Once you realize that you have been unknowingly allowing someone else to influence how you feel about your body, you can begin to take back your power.  Although you probably cannot change this habit overnight, you can begin to retrain your focus right away.

How?  Start by identifying one body part you like (yes, you have one (and probably many more than one)). The next time you get dressed, find a delightful way to bring focus to this body part – simple things like wear a gorgeous necklace or pretty neckline detail to flatter a long neck, choose a lovely belt or a top with waist detail that accents a small waist, or wear shoes you love to show off shapely legs.

It’s not so much what you do as it is refocusing on the positive as opposed to the negative.  Let me give you a personal example.  I am a redhead and as a result was born with very pale skin.  So my legs are white-white-white with hints of freckles, I’m knock-kneed, and my ankles are not as slim as I’d like them to be.  So, for years I focused on these limiting traits and as my college friends will tell you, I tried never to be seen wearing shorts if I could avoid it.

Finally, when I became an image consultant, I became acutely aware of the power of our thoughts and the damage it can do to our psyches, especially as it pertains to our body image.  I also began to understand the power of line, design and proportion.  Most importantly, I discovered that I was the one who was hyper-focused on my knock-knees.  No one else was noticing (at least not to the extent I was), and my embarrassment was only drawing more (instead of less) attention to that part of my body.

Would I love to have the legs of my dreams?  Sure!  Am I willing to sacrifice my personal style because my legs are not what I consider perfect?  Not any more.

Where are you holding yourself back and feeling less than?  Take one of these baby steps at a time to learn how to refocus your attention in a positive way.

1. Regularly acknowledge and honor the body parts you love (Resist the urge to skip this step!).

2. Create a positive affirmation or afformation (learn how to create an effective affirmation/afformation and be sure you are doing it in a way that resonates with you—otherwise it will be totally ineffective).

3. Learn a new fashion technique to refocus the attention to a body part you like. (Hint: well placed beautiful (that doesn’t have to mean expensive!) accessories are a great way to refocus attention.)

Choose just one of these steps at a time and really work it.  If you do, within a relatively short amount of time you will be amazed at how different you will feel.

Need a little help getting through the obstacles holding you back from feeling great about how you look?  Check out “Who Taught You How To Dress?” www.whotaughtyouhowtodress.com