We are a society that is obsessed with being young. Our culture revolves around it. The media glorifies it. And, our mirrors reflect it (or not!). And, with each passing day, it seems we become more and more aware of whether we are meeting or falling short of these arbitrary standards.

Whether you are fast approaching 30 or about to cross the 65-year mark doesn’t really matter. The issues change only slightly but the focus is the same – how to maintain a youthful appearance and healthy, energetic attitude. It’s a constant source of conversation among women as we compare notes and recognize body parts that are changing before our eyes. On the surface it’s a good thing. Staying youthful and enjoying life is good. But, the problem arises when we spend an inordinate amount of time assessing how we measure up or trying to hide or ignore the fact that we are getting older.

Hardly a week goes by that I do not have a regular conversation with friends and clients on this topic. Conventional society reveres youth, and the wisdom and natural beauty that come with aging are rarely given the respect they deserve (especially for women). In most of these conversations, the discussion usually comes down to how do you age gracefully. Does it mean accepting without reservation all that comes with getting older? Do you have to buy into the growing market of cosmetic surgeries and additional “beauty” treatments in order to look in the mirror and feel youthful? If not, how do you compete (and by that I mean feel comfortable with who you are) when the standard of youthful aging is constantly been raised?

We have all seen celebrities who have taken their quest for youth to an extreme with a seemingly endless series of cosmetic surgeries that result in a taut, pursed, unnatural look. Some women have gone to the other extreme and relinquish all effort to feel good about how they look because they feel like it’s a losing battle.

Wrinkles, sagging skin, shifting weight and gray hair make us aware of time passing and are seen as unfortunate by-products of getting older. And, guess what! Whether we embrace it or dread it, no amount of lotions, potions, praying, exercise, good genes or plastic surgery can keep it at bay forever. So, for those of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how do we make choices that make us happy? And, most importantly, how do you make peace with the aging process without losing yourself completely as in the extremes above?

Getting Perspective:

When you think back to when you were a child or teenager, what were the older women in your family like? I remember a friend’s mother putting cold cream on her face at night because that was the only “anti-aging” product available. One of my aunts, who looked exactly like the Queen of England for as long as I can remember, wore no makeup, let her hair go gray and adjusted her dress size as her weight shifted. She offered no apologies and had seemingly little or no angst associated with it. Few older women dyed their hair (at least in my town), no one whitened their teeth (was that even invented then?) and if someone had plastic surgery it was very hush-hush and you could barely tell. To be honest, I don’t remember anyone having had it done in my town.

I can’t say all of these women eagerly embraced the aging experience but they certainly were not grasping at youth, and there was no encouragement to do so that I know of. Maybe it was easier then or maybe not. Perhaps they felt discouraged or resigned to wrinkles and sagging skin, but there was not the pressure to do something about it.

Actually, in all my wondering I decided to call my mom and ask her if my memory served me well. She didn’t hesitate a second before sharing that, “In my 30’s and 40’s I didn’t go around with a group that worried about whether our chins sagged. We didn’t talk about getting older. We were a happy group and content with ourselves.”

What a gift! While I’m sure women today can be happy with themselves they are still bucking the current of pressure to address every line and age spot that appears, and the standards are certainly different today than they were 30 or 40 years ago. When you see celebrities who are 60 or 70 looking 40 or 50 (or at least trying to) it’s hard not to consider how we, personally, measure up.

My mom added that, “We weren’t comparing ourselves to each other or to movie stars. It’s not that we didn’t care how we looked. We were all about fashion and loved getting dressed up (we’d each buy 2 dresses before going to a party because we weren’t sure which one we wanted to wear) and loved having our hair done. But, we didn’t notice wrinkles even when they came, and we didn’t feel old. There wasn’t the pressure there is today to have everything fixed.”

As we talked I found myself wishing that we could turn back the clock. These days it seems we have to make a conscious decision to be okay with how we look rather than have it just be a non-issue. And, it would be nice to have the playing field leveled again. Right now, there’s an unattainable standard of beauty for women over age 50 (and often much younger) that bears no resemblance to how we age naturally. So, even if you’ve taken good care of yourself all of your life you cannot compete with women who are having multiple treatments done. So, what do you do?

If you take my mom’s advice, she’ll tell you to “go with the flow and you’ll have fewer worries and won’t wrinkle so fast.” There’s definitely truth to that statement. But, what do you do when you’re already worried and wondering how to keep up?

Tips for Embracing the Aging Process

Since we can’t turn back the clock to a time when there was less focus on not aging, and we can’t erase the awareness from our consciousness, here are a few tips I use to keep me feeling good most of the time.

1. Don’t worry…be happy – Okay, so it sounds silly but I’ve watched friends age before my eyes when they’ve been under an inordinate amount of stress. Stress causes blood flow to your skin to be restricted, it makes you frown more and it can cause inflammation. None of this makes you feel beautiful or relaxed. And, over time, these internal stress responses will have long-term negative impact on your skin and your entire body. Regular meditation, exercise, fun distractions or positive affirmations can all contribute to a happier feeling and positive energy. Yes, it takes effort and focus to move away from stressful situations but the results are worth it in the end on many levels.
2. Focus on your health – Take it from someone who knows. When you don’t feel well you don’t feel happy or beautiful. Protect your health. Eat well, avoid toxins, exercise, sleep and play. While it’s not always easy to do these things, the effects of uncontrolled stress, are not fun or pretty.
3. Banish your magnifying mirrors – I understand that sometimes they are necessary for applying eye makeup but if so, stick to that and then put them away. Don’t spend time examining and critiquing your face through a 5- or 10-magnitude mirror. Yikes! Everyone on the planet can find something to obsess about in one of those. And, while we’re on the topic of mirrors, try to avoid mirrors that have overhead lighting. They make everyone look tired and old.
4. Always wear your best colors – This one probably should be first! In fact, during my conversation with my mom and without any prompting from me, she told a story about a friend who is now in her mid-80’s. Every time she sees this woman she is dressed nicely and is wearing beautiful colors that make her glow. This is true at any age and even more important as we get older. Sure, you might have to hold out a bit to find your best colors in the stores, but it’s worth the wait to look radiant and beautiful all of your life. (And, your colors do not stay the same throughout your life. If it has been more than 10 years since you’ve had a color analysis done (or your hair color has changed), it’s time to do it again.)
5. Smile – This is my new way of coping. I don’t see the lines around my lips or the softening of my jaw when I smile so I take every opportunity to do so. See…I made you smile!
6. Do what makes you feel good – If you look in the mirror and all you can see is dark spots on your face or lines around your lips and it’s that all-consuming, find out what your options are to soften those concerns. There’s no right or wrong way to address your experience with aging. When it comes to making choices about feeling youthful, only you can decide for yourself.

So, take a good look in the mirror and what do you see? Look past the lines, spots or gray hairs (if they bother you) and identify what it means to be the age you are. Perhaps make a list of what makes you happy and what doesn’t. Start by focusing more on what you feel good about. Then, choose one thing that is pestering you about getting older, and find out what you can do to ease that discomfort. Maybe a good first step is to whiten your teeth, get a new haircut or buy a top in a gorgeous color instead of black. If plastic surgery or a non-invasive skin treatment is the answer, then get a referral from a trusted source, and check it out. Or, the next time you have tea with friends encourage them to talk about what they love about themselves rather than what is making them feel old. Lighten the energy and help each other see how beautiful you are at whatever age you are now. We thrive on this kind of connection and need to create our own support network when the media and society ignore or harass us. Don’t buy into their youth-crazed messages.

Will there still be days when we wish we had firm knees again, a tiny waist or our natural colored hair? Sure. But even if it means lengthening your dresses a bit or buying a top that skims your waist instead of accentuating it or finding out what colors make your gray or colored hair look amazing, you can look and feel great now. This is your personal journey. It is worth it to find out how to make peace with aging gracefully so you can enjoy every step along the way!

Not too long ago I was attending a social event and was introduced to two lovely women who arrived together. We struck up a conversation about (what else!) fashion, and at one point one of the women turned to her friend and said, “I wish I had your body.” Without missing a beat, the other woman rolled her eyes and replied, “Oh, please!” and then launched into a litany of why no one else would ever want her body. Meanwhile, I’m standing there thinking how attractive and bright both of these women are.

Does this scenario sound familiar? Have you witnessed it or been an active part of it many times over the years? We are often unaware of the damage these statements or experiences have on our psyche, our self-esteem, and our ability to create a wardrobe we love. It seems that throughout our lifetime we are trained to quietly (and often using humor to offset the sadness and meanspiritedness (although rarely is this purposeful)) belittle ourselves, and, as a result, women have cornered the market on self-deprecating remarks.

This is not a good thing. As Louise Hay will tell you, language is a powerful thing. “Self-approval and self-acceptance in the now are the main keys to positive changes in every area of our lives.” Think about it…

Have you ever had someone compliment you on your hair and say, “Oh, wow…it’s driving me crazy today. It never seems to do what I want it to and the humidity just makes it …” Or, someone admires your sweater and you say, “Thanks. I wish I didn’t have to wear it. I’m so hot but my arms are so flabby that I don’t feel comfortable exposing them.”

How about instead that you just say, “Thank you! You made my day!” Then, inwardly take a deep breath and maybe take it one step further. You don’t have to say anything else out loud. Instead think to yourself, “Wow, how fabulous that my hair looks good on such a day. That’s great news since my hair appointment is still a week away.” Find a way to make it feel good. You don’t have to lie and say to yourself (or anyone else) that you are lucky to have the most amazing hair in the world (unless you honestly believe that and then that’s awesome). Otherwise, as my mother frequently says, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.”

What are you saying to yourself about your body that keeps you stuck in a rut? Be careful about shrugging it off as good-natured kidding or insignificant conversation. These comments are much more damaging to your psyche than you might know.

Here’s a little exercise to do today: Watch your language.

• When someone compliments you, do you explain that it’s a fluke or look at them like they are nutty?
• Do you regularly commiserate with other women about self-perceived body flaws?
• Do you look in the mirror and focus immediately on the parts of your body you are unhappy with?

The good news is that this is a habit you can change immediately. While you will probably slip from time to time the more you notice what you say the easier it is to change it:

• Awareness is the first step to positive change. The next time you receive a compliment (no matter how misdirected you might think it is), say thank you and smile (and pretend, if you have to, to yourself like you knew it all along). Not only that but you’ll be modeling healthy behavior to other women. What a gift!
• No more gripe sessions with your friends. Tell them you are on a new path to self-acceptance and invite them to come along. Challenge them to say something lovely about themselves – get them started by offering them a genuine compliment. They will love doing the same for you.
• Become more aware of the body parts, features and personal traits about yourself that you truly appreciate. When you find yourself hyperfocusing on something you don’t like, allow your mind to float over to something you do like or some other characteristic of that body part, feature or personal trait that you do like.

For instance, I have thin lips. I was born that way and they seem to be getting thinner as I get older. Certainly not my first choice in lip shape but hey, it’s what I’ve got and I’m not planning on injecting anything. So, instead of focusing on the fact that they are thin, whenever that comes up or I notice it, I shift my thinking to the fact that they are smooth (rarely chapped), and I think I have a really nice smile. It always makes me feel better and I know it’s helpful to my body chemistry to have good feeling thoughts flowing through rather than negative, stressful ones. Try it for yourself and see.

As I mentioned above, does this mean you have to go around saying happy things outloud to everyone you meet about the parts of your body you aren’t in love with? No. Absolutely not. It just means don’t say negative things about them either.

This is a very big topic. What I’m offering here is the tip of the iceberg. Your words have power – both negative and positive. Why not let yours lean more towards the positive. You might be surprised at the results.

Remember, like everything else, this is just the beginning. Take little steps. Don’t try to do too much at once and certainly don’t berate yourself or you’ll feel overwhelmed and give up. If you need help, check out Louise Hay’s CD, “The Power of Your Spoken Word.”

Make it a game and practice it regularly. If you are like most of us you’ll have plenty of opportunity to perfect it. With practice it will become second nature, and the personal benefits are worth it.

I am addicted to the Hallmark Channel.  I admit it!  Don’t give me violence, angst and heartbreaking suffering, and especially don’t make me watch the news.  I won’t have any of it.  Instead, give me a bowl of popcorn and corny movies with happy endings.

This time of year Hallmark runs sappy movies almost non-stop, and I love it.  We sit in front of the fire with the kitties piled on the couch with us, drink tea and watch movies that make most of our friends roll their eyes.  I don’t care…they make me happy.

One of my favorites is a series that started last winter called “The Good Witch.”  The newest one is called “The Good Witch’s Gift.”  The series is uplifting, heartfelt and has a fabulous message.

At one point in the movie, Cassie (the star (good witch) of the movie) gave a beautiful, sparkly necklace to Betty, a woman who runs the local bakery and catering store.  Betty was reluctant to accept the gift because she felt like she didn’t have any place to wear it – she wasn’t used to standing out.   But, after a little encouragement from Cassie (who told her she could give it back later if she wanted to) she put it on and wore it home.

To make a long story short, Betty came back a few days later wearing the necklace and a whole new outfit.  She looked a little sheepish and mentioned that she adored the necklace but worried that it wasn’t her – that she was being too flashy (she was so used to being behind the scenes, baking and blending in).

Cassie said, “On the contrary, the outer sparkle just helped your inner sparkle shine through.”

That’s it!  That’s what creating a wardrobe and personal style is all about – letting your outer “sparkle” (in whatever form is right for you) reflect your inner sparkle.  It doesn’t have to be in the form of jewelry or anything that glitters.  Depending on who you are, it can be subtle or dramatic, gentle or wild and crazy.  It can be in an interesting combination of colors or texture…perhaps a pattern that makes people smile or evokes curiosity.

The key is to unlock YOUR inner “sparkle” and let it radiate out through the clothing and style choices you make. It allows the people who will love who you are at your deepest core see/feel THAT part of you before you’ve ever said a word to them.

The power in this experience is extraordinary and way underutilized.  So, what better time of year to let your sparkle out of hiding than the holidays!

Not sure how to go about it?  Here’s a little exercise:

•  How does “sparkle” interpret for you and your personal style? Is it sequins and crystals, deliciously shiny fabric, a color that others can’t help but notice, or maybe it’s an outfit that is so perfectly fit to your body that you look like a movie star?  If you aren’t sure, take your favorite outfit out of the closet and analyze it for the “sparkle factor” – it has to be there, or it wouldn’t be your favorite (or you’re settling for “not terrible” as your favorite).

•  Do you wear a little “sparkle” every day? If not, why not?

•  How do you plan to add more “sparkle factor” to your holiday wardrobe? Be specific.

Never underestimate the power of sparkle.  Once you have hit upon yours you won’t be able to get dressed without it — you’ll miss it immediately.

Thanksgiving is next week.  Whatever your plans are, be sure to add YOUR “sparkle factor” to the celebration simply by allowing your wardrobe to reflect who you are.  Remember, it doesn’t have to be in-your-face sparkle if that’s not your style, it just has to be YOU!

Feel free to share your “sparkle” story here throughout the holidays!  It will brighten everyone’s day and give others (whose sparkle might be a tad dim) ideas, encouragement and brighten their holiday, too.  (And, for those of you who have the “Who Taught You How To Dress?” home study program, please share your “sparkle” pictures on the on-line fashion discussion forum.  It will be fun to see how everyone’s sparkle is different and reflects their personality.)

What do you see when you look in the mirror?  Do you admire your sparkly eyes, toned arms, or small waist?  Or, do you zoom in with great precision on your curvy hips (although you probably call them big or worse!), legs that you wish were longer, or hair that you wish was thicker?  If the latter sounds more familiar, you are in good company — it’s a common issue among women.  But, let‘s not get too comfortable there!

When I met Theresa, she sat down in a nearby chair and with a sigh said, “How can I hide my stomach and what do I do about my flat chest?” Change the day, the name and the body parts and you’ll get some idea of how often I hear women despair about parts of their bodies they don’t like.  Granted, most women come to me because they are frustrated but rarely do I hear things like, I’d like to know how to show off my long neck or hourglass figure.

Chances are good as you read the above paragraph that you are smiling sheepishly knowing that you do the same thing–lamenting about what you don’t like and overlooking what you do.  In fact, sometimes we spend so much time fretting about what we don’t like that we forget we have features we appreciate.  To be fair most women do this out of habit.  We’ve been conditioned to focus on a particular “offending” body part.  As one woman expressed, “When I was a kid, I overheard one of my aunts say to my mother that it was a good thing I was smart, as I wasn’t very pretty. It made me feel as if I had no right to try to look pretty –it would always be out of my reach.”  It’s these kind of hurtful comments that contribute to women feeling badly about themselves.  They often carry these beliefs around with them and allow them to negatively influence their day-to-day wardrobe choices.

Think back…have you experienced hurtful comments or unwanted advice that affects the way you perceive your body?

• Did you internalize it and own it or were you able to shrug it off as someone’s insensitive, rude opinion?

• How does it make you feel today?

• How does it affect the choices you make when buying clothes or making decisions about some aspect of your personal style.

Awareness is the first step to making positive change. Once you realize that you have been unknowingly allowing someone else to influence how you feel about your body, you can begin to take back your power.  Although you probably cannot change this habit overnight, you can begin to retrain your focus right away.

How?  Start by identifying one body part you like (yes, you have one (and probably many more than one)). The next time you get dressed, find a delightful way to bring focus to this body part – simple things like wear a gorgeous necklace or pretty neckline detail to flatter a long neck, choose a lovely belt or a top with waist detail that accents a small waist, or wear shoes you love to show off shapely legs.

It’s not so much what you do as it is refocusing on the positive as opposed to the negative.  Let me give you a personal example.  I am a redhead and as a result was born with very pale skin.  So my legs are white-white-white with hints of freckles, I’m knock-kneed, and my ankles are not as slim as I’d like them to be.  So, for years I focused on these limiting traits and as my college friends will tell you, I tried never to be seen wearing shorts if I could avoid it.

Finally, when I became an image consultant, I became acutely aware of the power of our thoughts and the damage it can do to our psyches, especially as it pertains to our body image.  I also began to understand the power of line, design and proportion.  Most importantly, I discovered that I was the one who was hyper-focused on my knock-knees.  No one else was noticing (at least not to the extent I was), and my embarrassment was only drawing more (instead of less) attention to that part of my body.

Would I love to have the legs of my dreams?  Sure!  Am I willing to sacrifice my personal style because my legs are not what I consider perfect?  Not any more.

Where are you holding yourself back and feeling less than?  Take one of these baby steps at a time to learn how to refocus your attention in a positive way.

1. Regularly acknowledge and honor the body parts you love (Resist the urge to skip this step!).

2. Create a positive affirmation or afformation (learn how to create an effective affirmation/afformation and be sure you are doing it in a way that resonates with you—otherwise it will be totally ineffective).

3. Learn a new fashion technique to refocus the attention to a body part you like. (Hint: well placed beautiful (that doesn’t have to mean expensive!) accessories are a great way to refocus attention.)

Choose just one of these steps at a time and really work it.  If you do, within a relatively short amount of time you will be amazed at how different you will feel.

Need a little help getting through the obstacles holding you back from feeling great about how you look?  Check out “Who Taught You How To Dress?” www.whotaughtyouhowtodress.com

We each have one — that special something we do because it makes us feel good about ourselves.  In fact, it is often something that comes so naturally to you — something you cannot imagine NOT doing — and so are completely unaware it’s one of your top secret beauty treatments.  Just think about it for a minute.

For me, it’s taking care of my skin.  I have done it every morning and night without fail since I was a teenager.  It never, ever occurs to me to go to bed without doing my routine (and my routine is quick, I promise–I don’t dilly dally).  Okay, well, maybe it occasionally occurs to me to skip it but never very seriously.  Even if it’s an effort I know that I will be so much happier having done it so I just do.

I know some of you are nodding in agreement and others are thinking…yikes, I jump into bed all the time without ever thinking about it and I sleep just fine, thank you very much!  Okay, so what’s your beauty secret?

Do you brush your hair until it shines?  Do you drink lots of water every day?  Perhaps you have regular pedicures or you meditate because it helps that inner beauty shine through.  Whatever it is, feel free to share.  Maybe we’ll each pick up a new beauty tip for the new year!

Money doesn’t matter. I have been in the fanciest closets with the most expensive clothing you can imagine and in closets with a meager wardrobe where every penny is accounted for. You can look great at any price!

Say nice things about yourself, and surround yourself with others who do the same (that is, people who say nice things about you and about themselves).

…one little step at a time. Everyone gets stuck in a fashion rut from time to time. Don’t be afraid to try something every once in a while—you can always put it back on the rack if it doesn’t work.

Each time you make a vegan choice (in food, fashion or personal care) you reduce suffering.

Be yourself. Not your mother, your sister, your best friend…