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The Art of MinglingThe Boston Globe
July 7, 2003
by Diane Danial, Globe Correspondent
Before choosing his outfit for the evening, Tad Artis had taken the advice of image consultant Ginger Burr. The 37-year-old had picked words to reflect what he wanted to convey to the women at Boston's largest regular singles event: "successful, conservative, and classical."
Then, in a moment of self-doubt, he quickly added, "Do women like that, or do they like something more trendy?" This gave Burr, who runs Somerville-based Total Image Consultants, the chance to restate her favorite message about wardrobe: "The important thing is that you feel good in what you're wearing."
Artis was part of a group of six singles brought together by a reporter for an evening of mingling in exchange for some expert advice from Burr, Marblehead etiquette consultant Jodi Smith, and Judith Hall, a Northeastern professor who specializes in nonverbal communication. The setting was the Friday night singles event at the Museum of Fine Arts. Though art-gazing is the backdrop, the event, which started in 1996 and often attracts 500 to 1,000 people, is more about people-gazing.
During the group's prep session, Ceci Flinn, 38, shared that she wanted to look "feminine and flirtatious." When Burr questioned the choice of an unfeminine sports watch, Flinn said it was intentional, a hint that she is athletic.
Keith Soifer, 41, asked if he could get away with wearing a fedora to match his guayabera shirt. The hat got the nod, though Burr cautioned, "If you're going to break the rules, know why."
The group helped 41-year-old Todd Larson choose a tie; decided that Camilla Campbell, 24, looked relaxed in her classic black pants and purple knit top; and agreed that 48-year-old Judy Joffe's skirt length was fine after she acknowledged, "Because I'm older, I thought I should wear a longer skirt, but I felt better in this."
Everyone's main concern was how to initiate conversations.
It's a common obstacle, Smith said, that can be made easier by having an objective. "Your goal is not to meet the person you're going to marry," she said. "When I was single my goal was to have two conversations I would enjoy."
"You're a lion looking for a wildebeest who's alone," she added. "Make eye contact, approach, and bare your teeth" — with a smile.
The anxious lions practiced their approaches.
"Hi. My name is Tad. I'm glad it's nice out, because I'm going to rent a sailboat this weekend."
"Hi. I'm Todd. I love this museum. It's one of my favorite places."
"Hi. I'm Cammee." She couldn't continue. "This feels like an AA meeting," Campbell said. "Isn't it forced? Unnatural?"
In some ways, yes, Smith said. "It's a learned skill."
Hall cautioned that their behavior will be noticed by other singles, and that even sitting on the sideline sends out a message. "Be aware of this so you can try to avoid sending impressions you don't want to send."
The eager singles fired etiquette questions at Smith.
How long should your conversation last?
"Five to eight minutes."
How do you break into a conversation?
"By the use of eye contact. Sometimes it's just not possible."
How do you ask just one person for more contact if she's with a friend?
"It's dating. We know this is a mutual selection process."
How do you get out of a conversation with someone you're not interested in?
"It's been nice talking to you."
What if they ask you for your number?
"Say, `Thanks, but no thanks,' or whatever feels comfortable. You want to be as kind as possible, but don't give false hope."
How do you end a conversation with someone you're interested in?
"Say, `It's been so much fun talking to you. Here's my card if you'd like to be in touch.' "
It was time to mingle. The six singles walked into the room, where a growing herd of wildebeests gathered.
Larson quickly struck up an animated conversation with a woman that lasted too long in Smith's book but was nonetheless impressive.
Joffe sat first at a table with another woman, then later approached a man.
Flinn chatted with two men, and Campbell spoke first with two young men, then someone older. Soifer approached women in pairs, and one conversation Artis started with a lone couple resulted in an introduction to their single friend.
During the debriefing, all reported feeling more confident.
Larson and Joffe acknowledged they'd wanted to end their conversations sooner than they had. Joffe confessed to giving false hope.
"Would you like to stay in touch?" a man had asked her. "Sure," she had fibbed.
"It's so hard to do," she told the group. "But you know what he was impressed with? That I walked up and started talking to him."
Larson felt his first wildebeest got too personal. Another woman he introduced himself to responded by saying, "I don't date people with mustaches." Smith, laughing, said the woman could be commended for her directness.
Flinn found it challenging to pay more attention to one man while talking to two but was able to give him her card and say, "I hope to hear from you." Soifer, on the other hand, found it too uncomfortable to direct his attention to one of two women.
When Artis said his approaches never felt natural, Smith said, "Sometimes that's just the way it's going to be."
"I was surprised at how nervous I was," said Campbell. "But the tips we got worked, and it was fun."
The older man she had spoken with had approached her and later asked for her number. Feeling uncomfortable, she nevertheless asked his age. She then told him, nicely, that their 18-year difference was too great for her.
"It felt great and genuine to be honest," she said. "That's the best thing that came from this."
Printed with permission.
Diane Daniel can be reached at ddaniel@globe.com.
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